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Remembories

I remember the prominent blue shutters.
I remember the abundant and enduring trees.
I remember the steep hill and the immense backyard in view from the weathered porch.
I remember the blonde haired girl and my cubby placement.
I remember my workbook and “point to someone who’s working quietly.”
I remember the precarious wood playground and the lonesome parking lot.
I remember confusion, anxiety, and hopeless frustration, and how bizarre the foreign feelings felt when I was learning to read.
I remember bounding down the hill and feeling independence for the first time.
I remember trusting the strangers with the loud machines unconditionally.
I remember the shiny green stalled bathrooms.
I remember the heap of pennies and the insignificant American flag.
I remember the impossible multiplication tables and a sheet bulging to the top with doodles.
I remember the wide, open playground, where true character was reviled.
I remember witnessing friends come and leave.
I remember long, hot, sticky summer days and bright, beautiful starry summer nights taken for granted.
I remember constant car rides to places I did not want to go, but enjoyed when I got there.
I remember swinging on the swings sideways, and hopelessly tangled yarn.
I remember the capacious and dependable barn that meant nothing but chores when I looked at it.
I remember the hammock and the trimmed grass in the backyard.
I remember change, and how rudely it awakened my ignorant peace.
I remember caring about appearance above all else.
I remember the careless and disgusting gluttony.
I remember the dumb blue and white tile floor and the contrast of the two rooms.
I remember losing ones I care about.
I remember learning not to trust so easily, for the fear of loss is greater than the possibility of joy.
I remember having a lock on a locker that didn’t even shut properly.
I remember meeting someone who was truly kind.
I remember feeling accepted for the first time, and having a hard time believing it.
I remember feeling loneliness and the possibility of being deserted.
I remember a tall, bright, neon hat.
I remember having to force myself out of the shell that fear and hate had formed around me.
I remember authority, respect, and decks of cards.
I remember wanting to sleep under the stars so badly, but not knowing why.
I remember red carpets and an indescribable smell that soon came to mean anticipation and excitement.
I remember the freezing football games.
I remember the high C and Santa.
I remember the mild identity crisis.
I remember “gurl”
I remember brass poweerrr!
I remember the strength behind the actor, and the wheelchair.
I remember learning to be happy again.
I remember swatting bugs out of my face, 789, and holding a snail.
I remember that a broken pencil is pointless.
I remember being judged for the first time by my character.
I remember learning about how I go through life, and how I care about people.
I remember how the best people bring the best out of me.
I remember feeling angry at myself when old weaknesses arose.
I remember good surprise after good surprise.
I remember recognizing a true hero, and feeling so depressed when they changed.
I remember hating the loneliness and emptiness, physically and mentally.
I remember the anxiety that came with further responsibilities for a “sophomore”
I remember being scared of being judged for changes I was about to make.
I remember making mistakes that I thought were beyond fixable.
I remember time fixing those mistakes.
I remember that caring too much leads to more pain.
I remember learning that not caring enough is not how I want to live, and how that separates me from the rest.
I remember overwhelming myself with activities in the time where I was temporarily lost.
I remember facing rejection and biasness, after getting success after success.
I remember rediscovering my love for music through other people’s passion.
I remember fried Oreos’.
I remember working so hard and loosing so much because of it.
I remember getting 4 hours of sleep at night.
I remember the black buzzers and the heavy textbooks.
I remember my bad habits and actions almost ruining everything I held dear.
I remember the possibility of actually failing a class.
I remember seeing lost people not appreciate what I loved with all my heart, and how much that hurt me.
I remember working the hardest on a performance than I ever had up until that point, and having it turn out to be the worst one of my life.
I remember having to trust ones who had failed me in the past, and ones who I knew deserved my trust.
I remember overstepping my bounds with the little experience I had.
I remember holding my euphonium for my sweet sixteen, and literally felt it hug me back. I knew it was love at first sight.
I remember “I ain’t got no time for the world to end!”
I remember being extremely cautious with love, but being jealous at the same time.
I remember wishing that I could be judged on my character again, and then I was.
I remember thinking how worth it being busy is.
I remember seeing a poor soul, like myself; go into a pit of hopelessness (like I would) and not being able to do anything.
I remember being saved from the ignorance and lost people by someone who cared as much or more than I did.
I remember being truly thankful for what I had; friends, family, love, joy, on Christmas.
I remember seeking advice in fictional characters, again.
I remember the fear of obsession, again.
I remember coming to terms with myself, again.
I remember having terrible classes end, and having the feeling of a clean slate.
I remember participating in a play that took me to a place I thought I would never be able to go so young.
I remember feeling rage at the unfairness in life.
I remember being forced to face my flaws that I thought were unfixable.
I remember depending on others more than I had in my entire life.
I remember seeing how my predicament would end, but not heeding it as a warning.
I remember running from ConVal to SMS with “blood” on my wrists and chest.
I remember almost losing my two best friends for the sake of ending painful curiosity.
I remember cracking under the weight of the world, and having to give some of the weight up (unwillingly) for my own sanity.
I remember hating myself more than I ever had, and hating the way the universe worked.
I remember not being able to hold my tongue, and causing my two best friends more pain because of my persistence.
I remember feeling more lonely than I ever had in my entire life.
I remember turning back to old habits because of confusion, and pushing those who loved me away because I didn’t know how to accept their love at the time.
I remember having to make a terrible choice that would define my character and could have defined my future.
I remember how I was reminded where my priorities are.
I remember learning how to appreciate myself and my work – and how it can be selfish to not do that to an extent.
I remember feeling truly grateful, again, even after all the pain.
Hope, Fear, Doubt, Rejection, Acceptance, Anxiety, Joy, Despair, Peace; I remember feeling and experiencing it all.
I always remember; to never forget.



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