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The Jews Ghettos

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Children weep;
adults can’t earn their keep.
Some are foodless;
some are waterless.
Swallowed jewels.
The only water is murky pools.
Hitler’s men,
towering over like Big Ben.
Rebels killed;
their blood is spilled.
A slice of bread.
An aching head.
Seven people to a place.
Your time is running out just like a race.
The run down ghettos;
the deadly ghettos;
the Jews ghettos.




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SwanSongThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
yesterday at 10:03 am:
I love the flow and rhyming of this, the only think I don't like is that I feel like the last line is kind of a let down. Not in the words, but in fitting in with the rest of the rhythm. When read out loud, the fact that the previous two lines have five sylables and the last only has four makes it sound incomplete. I think this has the potential to be a very powerful poem. Perhaps change it tot "the Jewish ghettos?" Other than that nice work!
 
BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
yesterday at 5:45 pm :
I had the sudden stop so it symbolised and emthasised their own "sudden stops" and to try and make more of an impact, but I do see where you are coming from.
Thanks for the feedback :)
 
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KrasotaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 29 at 8:37 pm:
I think you did an excellent job! My only criticism is that "swallowed jewels" seems out-of-place, and I'm not quite sure what you meant by it. Otherwise, keep up the good work! :D
 
BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
yesterday at 5:38 pm :
I understand where you are coming from as it does seem very random, but for historians such as myself who has studied Nazi Germany know that the Jews were left without possession and sold on for the Nazi's own gain, so to hold onto what they could some took the drastic step of swallowing some things such as small jewels. Unfortunately I couldn't explain that within the poem haha.
Thanks for the feedback :)  
 
 
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vegangirl0725This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 29 at 12:27 pm:
You did a great job on this poem!!!! I love it!!!! The ryhme was good and so was the rhythm.
 
BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 29 at 1:18 pm :
Thanks for the comment :D
 
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SwanSongThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 28 at 11:35 am:
This flows nicely, except for the last line. Therre is such a build up as the poem progresses and the last line just lets it all out intstead of leaving it with the reader. It's not the wording, it's the number of syllables. Both previous lines have five, and having four in the last line leaves you hanging. At first glance, it looks like it should be really powerful and the rest of the poem is, but maybe "Jewish" instead of "Jews" would create the rhthym needed for th... (more »)
 
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WriteOrWrongThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 4 at 8:45 pm:
Oh sorry merky was autocorrected. I thought murky was misspelt. Haha I just meant it had good rhythm.
 
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WriteOrWrongThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 3 at 7:41 pm:
Did you mean merely instead of murky? I really liked the feel of the porm. I found myself kind of rappin it in my head haha. It using such an emotional and historical subject was quite interesting in poem form. The only thing that I wasn't crazy about was 'your time is running out just like a race.' I don't think that i line fits with the rest of the poem. Also I feel that more descriptive words could be used in front of the three ghettos. Nice job.
 
BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 4 at 12:13 pm :
No, I definitley meant murky pools, because of the dirty pools of water on the ground. Hahaa, urm, ok.... well I'm glad you enjoyed it >.<
and yeah, I see what you mean, I might have to work on that, because I never really felt that it worked, other than relating to the Berlin Olympics at that time.
Thanks for your comment :D
 
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WrenArringtonThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 15 at 11:29 pm:
I found it interesting that you chose to put something historical into poem form. The words were simple but that made them all the more powerful, since most readers will already be pretty well acquainted with the conditions of the concentration camps. Again, be careful with semicolons.
 
BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 16 at 8:47 am :
As an earlier piece the grammar is not as fine tuned as it is now, but thanks for pointing that out, I'll try and alter it in my copy. Thanks for the comment and your opinions :)
 
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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 9 at 11:31 pm:
Hey there, James! I really enjoyed this. I always choose poems with interesting titles, and this one was very interesting, I thought it'd be a great read.. I was correct. It is always important when writing poetry (and other things of course) to put an appealing title. I thought this was brilliant. I liked the simplicity of the poem.. it really let the reader just take in what they were reading. And this is about something highly serious so it's important to not take away from the subjec... (more »)
 
BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 11 at 5:33 pm :
Yes, you were over thinking haha, but personally I've never seen that as a bad thing. Thanks for the comment, and yes I was going for a simple piece at the time, not only because I was a novice writer at the time (3/4 years ago), but to also showcase how simple the situation was (they were sent their to die; no way around it), and to highlight the descriptions of their situation better so the impact stood out.
 
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Hanban12This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 1 at 10:00 pm:
Very interesting! Its an extremely emotional topic to write about, and I think you captured it well. The only recommendation would be to add a little more imagery so the picture given is more vivid. Other than that, this was an amazing poem, and I hope you write more like it :) Keep it up!
 
BlackbeltJamesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 2 at 3:58 pm :
I totally agree; this was a very early piece I had written, so I may go back to it and re-write it with the similar theme and context, but making structurly better and with better imagery.
 
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