When you walk by someone in the hallway and smile. Yet inside you feel nothing but regret, sadness, and sorrow. And when they smile their false smile and proceed with the rest of their day like the smile didn't mean anything to them, just another thing they can simply brush away. Kindly you let them think that you are okay, and you will go on with the rest of your day. But as soon as they are out of your view, you take a different turn then you intended and become lost in the tear filled haze of a locker stacked hallway. Your head throbbing with pain and pounding with hatred as you walk dizzily through the blackened light of a bright summer’s day, you sloppily fall to a corner of a hidden room. Wherever it may be, you honestly don't care. It's away from everyone and its close enough to you, it's there. You have your head between your hands and your elbows on top of your knees. You long to grin and laugh with someone walking in a light dawn's breeze. You know inside that it won't happen to you, because you are you, and no one wants to know who you are. You sit and wonder if the next move you'll make will leave a scar. Taking your tear covered trembling hand, you reach deep within your pocket, past all of the pain covering substances that make you forget it all, and grab the one thing that will leave this memory inside and outside of you for the rest of your life. Its shine is sparkling in the distant stuttering and sputtering light, it brings a grim smile across your face, from a distance, nearly happy. As you realize what you are about to do, your hand begins to go crazy with ticks. A large shadowed tear rolls down and off the tip of your nose, landing on the already used tool. As the Zebra pattern beneath your deep purple sweater sleeve appears, your crying is uncontrollable and your life's hatred and pain begins to re-surface. What happens next is beyond repair. Your hand is struck with a force you have never experienced before. The shiny metallic object skidding across the laminate floor. The throbbing leaves your head for a quick second. Looking up, you notice the concern on their face. Looking down on you, they stick out their hand and ask for you to approach them. And that smile you thought was false becomes visible again, but this time, all you can see is the truth. Hope.
February 8, 2013