How do I stop this?

It is not only air that is expelled from my lungs when I exhale,












but lies.

The smell of desperation
l i n g e r s
on my breath,












pungent to those near me.

I myself am not a lie,



but I do things that make me
so awful,
so unforgivable.

Some days,
I want to break my own neck.

Everything swims in my addict’s brain;

mellow, meaningless thoughts
flood my mind.

I am not smart anymore.

It is horror that surrounds me, yet I am not afraid.

I’ve been partnered with a criminal.

Even when he is not with me, I can feel him



at the back of my head,
urging me to keep him company.


He is my ghost, never friendly but always reliable.

Sometimes I don’t want to be near him,
don’t want to see
or hear him,
















But I do.
And I can’t help myself.

My days sink into spirals,








streaming












downhill
















like rain off a rusted roof.

Maybe my life is one big spiral: never-ending.

The clouds above me welcome my euphoric presence;

I am sailing the ship of my mind through heavy winds.

He influences my every move, as if I am merely his puppet.

He pulls my strings, FORCING me to act as he wishes.


I am many things, but I am not strong.


I cannot loosen his strangling grasp,
even though I am
choking,
drowning
under his sea of abuse.

He was
beautiful at first,
















but now







his face pains me.


And yet,





I






can’t




take




my





mind




off




him.