Have you ever wandered if your life meant something to someone? Meant more than happiness. More than emotions? Sadness takes over and the mind shut down. Here comes the diease and nothing can cure it. Ranciding your happiness with the curdling fear of fighting for more than what your own happiness is worth. Maybe more than a million dollars. Maybe more than the gesture you tell yourself to get through the day. I have this beckoning saddness raging in my soul. Begging to get out. To escape and finally be something more than a feeling trapped inside this vessel called my body. I can't escape this feeling and sometimes I wonder if people can see it when they see me. I used to act happy and it made people happy. Which helped mask my depression. Now its just a memory in which entangles me. Binding and blinding me with the sickening sadness that is assocoiated with depression. I often feel helpless like i am drowning in my own burning sultry tears among the helpless is a voice beckoning begging for help. Whimpering with no chance of being heard. Yelling into the wind waiting for it to be carried off in the wind and forgotten. Sometimes you can save yourself. It takes a lot of energy and time that i cannot give thee not even myself. So why don't i ask for help? The reason is because there always seems to be that person who has it worse and saying how sad you are gets everyone talking about how bad they have it. I am tired of listening to everyone's problems no offense. I cant take anymore or anyless so call this what you will. I still cant speak. I am still feeling lost and that so called life line failed me too so where do i go? Ask you ask mom ask the boss ask the counslor or whom because no one ever listens to me. I am tired of wasting my breath that i can barly catch on people who dont really care. The will to care has left. The will to fight everyday for my own happines is gone. You say there are medications i can take? That the medication will magically make everything better. Hah. The medication gives you that fake happy for a while and then even that ends. So what did I do to deserve this curse? I mean what have I done to be this sad. Sure maybe its genetics, maybe its because the world is so messed up and focused on material needs and some how I can see the strain on life that people have. Maybe I have caused this pain in the world that not only affects me but the people i surround myself with. Maybe I can't see this but you can. Maybe I do deserve this thing called depression. I can only mask it for so long you know. I can only be as strong as the person holding me up. So what happens when they crumble? Will i too fall? I guess that is up to what ever the emploading future i have bestowed upon me.
For as long as I knew
January 28, 2013