To be alive

January 4, 2013
The moon never shone so dark as it did that night. Eclipses put to rest and shadows tracing the outline of the depth passed the skies limit. Anger never shone so bright as it did in that instant. Pulsating through beams of light as if streaming angelically, madly. There were no words for the way felt that night. Inexplicit feelings churned in the pit of her stomach as she dreamed of grey skies. She wasn’t afraid to leave- it had always been an option. But awakening the monster inside of her, unleashing the possibilities took time. Time that elapsed from days to months, and later than sooner she felt the rift in heart and head. The ground beneath her feet, so sturdy so tangible. This was something she could never attain from the winding days she had put to rest. She wanted to love those days with every ounce of her withered bones, but it was never in the books. The stars always re aligned to someone else’s fate, someone else’s future. Foolishness encircling her, she understood every fault she had made. Every word she heard was so distant, and different from the suffering she endured. That was the solitude in suffering. Going through such darkness leaves one powerless to express the pain to anyone, let alone oneself. The distance that gapes those from others, infringing them in a captive isolation, so enticing, so real that it is alive. The lowness felt is so endearing, practically underground. How awful it is to hate what you love so much. Thunder rippling through the sky, left satisfaction that tomorrow would come. She was cornered. She had no choice but to leave. It was inevitable after all wasn’t it? They wanted her to run. Perhaps that’s why books are written about such aliveness; perhaps it could not live in real people- who are beaten down just for standing up.

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