Only to remember that you aren’t there

Love is red, death is black,
thanks to you I know what both colors feel like.

I find myself waiting for you to add into the conversation,
only to remember you can’t.
I find myself excited about getting to tell you something,
only to remember I can’t.
I find myself looking over at your chair,
only to remember that you aren’t there,
I know it is hungry for you to sit in it.
I find myself missing everything that use to annoy me most.
I miss the stories about your life,
even the ones I thought were boring at the time they were told.
I find myself missing you being there taking a picture,
no matter the moment,
if you thought it was special, you’d
“make a picture of it.”
I find myself looking over at your chair,
wondering,
oh where, oh where are you.
Are you in heaven,
or just a hole in a wall?
Did that dove release your spirit,
to where it belongs?
Can you see me,
are you watching me grow?
I find myself wondering,
if you’d be proud of who I am now.
I find myself wondering,
when the pain will go away.
I miss you the most,
in these places where the memories are the rawest.
I can’t keep my mind
from remembering you’ll never see me grow up past 14.
You’ll never see me
go to college or prom or graduate from the eighth grade.
You won’t be at my wedding;
to see me give my heart to the man I love most,
you won’t get to see me run across a room
at the sound of a clink, clink, clink,
of forks hitting glasses from people hungry for love.
These are the times,
where I find myself in envy of Courtney and Taylor the most.
And when the time comes,
that we meet again,
will you welcome me or
just wonder what I did with my life?
I just hope I made you proud,
because what you think means a lot to me.
I want you to know
I miss you more than flowers miss rain in the dead of summer,
but in the long run I know it will be okay,
because you helped make me the
person I am today.
Thank You.
When I finished writing this I couldn’t wait to show it to you,
only to remember that I couldn’t…
I miss you