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The Road of a Life

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Let society's dream roll with it's repetitive rhythmic rims
The commute but never met
The refuel but never replenished
The repeat, always
The ever changing colors
Green's glories
Red's remorses
Yellow's yearns
Placed on the paved tar current of freedom
Pre assembled and pre freed
A freedom limited by the vessel
But a freedom chosen by the lights




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redhairCat This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 23, 2013 at 9:52 pm:
I like your descriptions and syntax - very clever. :)
 
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Kris_10 said...
Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:25 pm:
I really like the idea behind this poem. However, it seems a little choppy. the flow and rythm of this poem doent feel right.
 
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EPluribusUnumThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 15, 2013 at 10:26 pm:
I really liked this. It makes a good point about the way our society is built around freedom, yet inherantly limited in it's freedom simply because of the way it works. You have gorgeous use of repetition and alliteration that leaves just a toutch of magic in an otherwise realistic poem. Not to mention the last two lines were deep and toutching and a fantastic hook to leave the reader pondering your ideas. I'm afraid to say I have no sugestions, this is just to good to mess with.
 
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Kris_10 said...
Jan. 13, 2013 at 7:03 pm:
I really like this! It really paints a picture for me. However, the flow is a little choppy. Other than that, great job.
 
nmk1128 replied...
Jan. 13, 2013 at 10:15 pm :
I'm glad you enjoyed it (: help yourself to my other poems haha, but what exactly is "choppy" if you don't mind me asking
 
Kris_10 replied...
Jan. 20, 2013 at 4:30 pm :
I'm sorry, i accdently commented on this twice. By choppy i mean the flow of it is hard to follow. I dont know when to pause. maybe this is just the rythm you us to write, and thats okay but for me, its hard to follow/
 
nmk1128 replied...
Jan. 20, 2013 at 10:50 pm :
its fine, and yea I know what you mean I have a revised version fixing most of that
 
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