There is this river, it ebbs and flows…it haunts me following everywhere I go. But even still I find myself running to its shores…so desperate to drown in its tiny drops…I’m not strong enough to fight anymore. I look up at the night skies, and the stars that aren’t hiding, they insist on calling my name…and if I was to run to them tonight…honestly you’re the ones I’d blame. I don’t want you to think I hate you, although its evident its becoming more and more true. Why cant you come to grips with the pain you put me through.

There is this story I wrote, its about a boy who lived long ago…its not a story written with pen and paper but one etched from a heart made of stone…you can see the plot so clearly on my canvas skin…its my pain made tangible…my hurt from within.

So to a mother who told me she loved me every night as she tucked me into bed. When times got tough you abandoned me and it really f***ed with my head…you sent me away to placement…you should’ve killed me instead…now I am incapable of trusting almost everyone…I asked you once why I turned out this way, you said its was me, I’m to blame. I’m the only one…but honestly if you were asked how your kids were doing…would you remember you have a son?

And to a father who broke a family, as he walked away…it may be bad but its easy to say…I thank god everyday…I thank him for not letting you stay. You took me in as my mom threw me out…but I wasn’t there for long before you began to shout…you pushed me further than I knew possible…I wont forgive you…its too big of an obstacle. Why did you abuse me? Can you answer honestly? Or should I catch you on a day you’ve had nothing to drink?

There is this river and its kind of hard to find…very few have ever seen it with their own two eyes…and I trust those few more than anything…and when they saw it they were kind of surprised.
Was it because They’ve never seen a river so blue…flowing from someone’s eyes.? Or because no one has ever seen me cry?

And too my so called parents…who take credit for sending me away to save my life…you had nothing to do with it…the only reason I’m still alive…is because I put down my knife…and ive only touched it once since that life changing night…but as I sit here alone…the river splashes my face…I remember I have one more thing I’d like to say…thank you both
for making me the man I am today.


P.s. im not ok