A Fathers Tainted Love

September 30, 2012
By , kulpmont, PA
What have I done?
Watching my life in this fogged perception of reality.
Up. Down. What. Way. To. Go.
Can’t sleep.
Can’t breathe.
Losing my sense of self in every passing minute.
Tick.........................................................Tock.
        Tick.................................... Tock.
                Tick..............Tock.
                          Tick.
                Drip.        ..        Drop
        Drop.        ..        .             Drip.
Drip.                ..                ..        Drop.
…..................................................................
….................................................................
My life but an hourglass running out of
time left in this world seems unbearable,
                                        intolerable,
                                                soul crushing.
My life in the hands of lady luck and prayer.
My mind, my brain I know is hurt and contused.
My love, my heart, utterly strained and confused.
Reaching for a father that was never there.
Since youth I was always told life was unfair.
She wanted me to tell, I simply refused.
“I would never,” I said, as they looked bemused.
Still I never thought my own father would dare.
I told and pushed for my rights.
They let me down one more time.
I fought my urge and pushed on.
I was ready for the fights.
He had no reason or rhyme.
This time I am really gone.
Gone like the leaves from the trees in the fall.
Gone like snow in spring.
Gone like the wind.
Only to reestablish myself yet,
                again
one
                                more
                                        time.
As the fog closes over my eyes.
A light going out in the world.
I watch
        my past
                my present
                        my future.
My past.
Darker than a childs demonic nightmare.
Darker than a night with a new moon.
Darker than my fathers heart.
Pitch black.
My present.
If it were a candy it would be bittersweet.
If it was weather it would be overcast with a chance of showers.
If it was a time it would be dusk.
Light yet dark.
Forever changing like seasons.
Here one day gone the next.
My future.
Too far in advance to see.
Up in the air with the birds and the bees.
Like a plane.
As it takes flight the unknown could happen.
It could catch flame and
                            fall
                                tumble
                                        hurdle
                                                to the ground.
My life could go up in smoke in the blink of an eye,
For I am blind and even in a blink I would not see.
I gave my life to a higher power unwillingly,
                                        unwanting,
I knew in my heart of hearts,
I have no power
to  live I must give up and give in.
So here I sit.
Nowhere to go.
My last resort.
Leaving my life for another.
Leaving on reasons I can't control.
My life is in the clouds.
and I myself cant
pull it all back
down.





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