A Seed Within The Universe

August 21, 2012
By StarlitSky BRONZE, Stourport-on-Severn, Other
StarlitSky BRONZE, Stourport-on-Severn, Other
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

I want to swim in the vast, velvet universe;
feel the gentle shining light radiated by the moon illuminate my face.
See the poignant contrast of the iridescent stars on a darkened night canvas,
feel the subtle warming watch of the twinkling eyes of the universe,
drawn to and captured by their beauty.

I want to delve in to the still, calming ocean,
sink to the bottom like a lost, discarded pebble,
small and insignificant to the world, I blur in to the bleak background.
Feel its chilling breath numb my body to the extent of gradual,
tingling warmth pervading through my veins.

Lying on the ocean bed, the soft, damp sand my spongy mattress,
the navy sea my devouring duvet,
while the slender fingers of the sea plants massage my feet,
the constant, low murmurs and chilling whispers of the ocean lull me in to a sleepy trance,
the pressure of the still sea blanket heavy on my chest.

Gradually the pressure builds to a state of weightlessness and my body floats up slowly,
aided by the slimy fingers beneath that support my rising frame.
I am the fish on the end of a hook on a fishing rod,
a force is summoning me from my sleepy slumber,
above an anonymous force is pulling me up with a length of rope.

I am a tiny seed in the world, break my tender shell and inside me lay the universe.

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This article has 6 comments.

villain123 said...
on Aug. 26 2012 at 4:44 pm
villain123, Bridgewater, New Jersey
0 articles 0 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm okay with war as long as nobody gets hurt."

Critique: Sometimes the description was too much. It went into "purple prose" territory. I know that a lot of readers on Teen Ink like that type of prose, but it bores me. A few of the phrases were redundant like: "Shining light" - By definition, a light should be shiny. "darkened night" - again, night is dark. If it wasn't, I would be worried. "lost, discarded, pebble" Something that's lost can't be discarded, unless one person lost it and the next threw it away. "small and insignificant" - similar ideas. "sleepy slumber"   Overall, the poem could be great if it wasn't so cluttered. I especially liked the fish and fishing rod simile My favorite lines were "velvet universe" and "devouring duvet."      

on Aug. 26 2012 at 12:29 pm
StarlitSky BRONZE, Stourport-on-Severn, Other
1 article 0 photos 1 comment
Thank you to those who have commented, I'm glad you liked it and I really appreciate your opinions!

.king. SILVER said...
on Aug. 26 2012 at 9:00 am
.king. SILVER, Yeux Bien Tres Bien, Other
9 articles 4 photos 573 comments

Favorite Quote:
( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

Beautiful! l like the puase in the end; Couldn't have done any better :)

sarah said...
on Aug. 24 2012 at 8:37 am
  •Really amazing poem, beautiful language and word choices. It really paints a picture, absolutely perfect!    

Luuucccyyy said...
on Aug. 23 2012 at 5:06 pm
Luuucccyyy, Stourport On Severn, Other
0 articles 1 photo 1 comment
This is really amazing, it absorbs you more and more as you read and with an amazing ending! Brilliant!

kirsty22 said...
on Aug. 23 2012 at 1:15 pm
Really enjoyed reading this! You can tell that the writer is very talented :-)


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