as i start thinking more and being more honest with myself
(because god knows i was the personification of denial before),
i keep seeing you, imagining us together but not how i used to;

we're not having sex, but we're intimate and passionate in the most lovely of ways.
you hold me close and i can feel your warmth seeping into my skin.
you were always radiating heat, oozing happy.

and i'm still so desperate to keep being there with you,
hoping that the happy will permeate your skin and sink into mine.

you'd periodically ask me,
do you want to be in a relationship?
if i asked you out, would you say yes?
do you want to be with me?
and i'd manage a painfully pathetic,
no, i know better than that.

and i know you don't believe it;
you just want to keep reminding me that this is all we'll ever be
even though i keep telling you it's my responsibility,
not yours,
when i get hurt.

i don't want a relationship. i wouldn't say yes. i do know better than that.
but i want to be with you,
keep being with you,
so i can stay close
and feel the heat,
maybe someday be your heat.