Everything But Happy

By , austin, TX
I wear a mask
To hide my pain
My worry
My misery in my own body
I paint myself with happiness
And joy
And fun
But it chips
And wears away

Some may notice
But only those who care
Only those who care to notice
Only those who worry
Only those who pay attention
Can break away my paint
Can unmask my anguish
And see
Me.

But it's not me
This person who feels empty
This person who feels alone
It's not the me I want to be
I just want
To be happy
Yet happiness seems so far away
So unreachable
So distant
And impossible
I just want to be happy
But I can't.

People ask me why
But really
I don't know
I don't know why I feel the way I do
I just do
I don't know why I feel like I'm a waste of space
And better off in a grave
I don't know why
I just do

A lot of times I think
I think of the temptation of just leaving
Of taking myself away
Of no longer being here
Death is my temptress
and it's seducing me
This thought of freedom
This thought of no longer having to worry
No longer acting
No longer pretending
But I won't
I can't
Because then I would fail
And give up
And crumple in the face of life itself
I cannot let that happen
Because I am not a failure
I am not a loser
I don't give up
So I fight
So I push the thought away
And i will keep fighting
And keep pushing away
Yet I can only hope
That it is enough

People try to help me
To find the solution to my problem
But what is my problem?
There is no cause
There is no solution
I just am the way I am

I hope to get better
To remember what it's like to be happy
Truly happy
And joyous
And to feel loved
I long for the day that I remember
But until then
I have forgotten

So I sit here
Behind my mask
And witness myself acting
Pretending
And I wonder
Will anyone notice?
Of course not
Because in my mind, no one cares
Only the few who keep me alive
And hold me to this earth more than the power of gravity
It is them, who make me feel whole again
I will show them I am still strong
Because I just want to be happy
Truly happy
Behind my mask and paint
The real me
The mask-wearer
The pretender
The forgetter
The actor
The wonderer
Just wants to be happy too





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