so scared

July 17, 2012
By , arcata, CA
i haven't had the best life
i have had a tough time
i made mistakes
i faced heartache
ive told my sum of lies
ive hurt others with my words
ive broken hearts
so they couldnt brake mine
ive ran away
from hurt and pain
my survival depended
on ethier staying and fighting
or running and hiding
too many things have gone wrong
i try to believe
but i have no faith left
my heart is dying inside my chest
i have little self importance
the things that adults
that shouldve loved me
have told me i am
echo in circles in my head
im stupid...im worthless...
i cant do anything right...
not wanted...a mistake...
a drug baby...not supposed to be alive...a piece of crap...unimportant...
i cant stop believing them
some people say that they are lies
but they are truth to me
engraved in my mind
like a bible to me
ive tried my best to fail
at everything
cuz thats all ill ever be
two sets of parents
didnt want me
there is something wrong with me
i hid my fears and insecurities
behind my masked face
and just try and get through every painful day
i am afraid of adults
i hide it by saying
i hate adults
or i dont need them
but inside im screaming
i want them to love me!
i am afraid of the things
they can do to me
i dont want to get close
to one ever agian
in fear of them braking
my broken heart again
so i turned to boys
and got cut down again
i just wanted to be loved
but i guess thats too much to ask
they called me names
ignored me
hurt me
made me feel alone and ashamed
and one by one
broke my heart
so as much as i hated myself
i stayed inside my own head
never again to let anyone in
a long while of holding it all in
ended one day...
when the cops rushed in
i was with grace and her grandpa
but as we pulled in to the driveway
we saw four police cars
my heart nearly stopped
when i saw them
all i could think
is this cannot be happening
my mind lost control
and repeated over and over
i didnt say anything...
i didnt tell...
i didnt tell...
i knew that they had taken him away
i didnt know who had spoken it out
i did not care
all i could think about
was how mad he would be when he found out
i walked inside
and everyone was there
i whispered the words
what happened?
even though i was already sure
i was taken aside
and told he had been arrested
i gasped and felt like i couldnt breathe
cuz i remembered what he told me
he said, if we ever told
we would be the ones locked up
and taken away
i didnt know what was happening
i felt like i could scream
but knew better
so i ran outside instead
and ran to rufuss
and hugged him tight
with tears in my eyes
i whispered to him
"i didnt tell..."one last time.
he pawed my arm
and licked my hand
he is my very best friend
i looked up and saw a cop
she was standing a few feet away
i held my breath and hid behind rufuss
i hope she didnt hear what i had just told him
she looked at me
her face so kind
not at all like what i had in mind
she asked me what my name was
but i couldnt speak
my dad had made me a pro
at avoiding everything
she nodded and walked a little closer
then asked me my dogs name
i whispered rufuss
and she smiled and said he
looked like a good friend
i nodded and patted rufuss's head
and she turned and walked up the steps
shaking, i let my breath rush out
she wasnt at all like what my dad had said
he had said they were mean
that they didnt care
that if i screamed
they'd come and take me away
and lock me up in a tiny cell
and hit me and leave me there
i learned to be afraid of the police
but i was more afraid of him
so i always kept as quiet as i could
and just let him.
i hated myself for letting him
do whatever he wanted
i felt so dirty and useless
so hurt and so small
he would never listen at all
he was always right, you were wrong
if you tried to argue...
he would show you how strong he was
it hurt
not worse than the crack of my heart
that i couldnt ignore
no matter how hard i tried
he would yell and yell
but the sound that hurt me more than the blows
were the cries of my siblings
when he did it to them
and i hated myself even more
when i didnt help them
when i just sat hiding
and shaking and wincing
with every blow to thier little backs
the sound of smack smack smack
i wanted to run out
i wanted to stop him
they were so small and little
how could he hit them?
but i was too scared
to do anything
so i sat there and cried
and watched them in pain
my little brother in a wheelchair
so sweet and so helpless
he couldnt walk, or talk, nothing
dad even hit him and yelled at him too
the kid did nothing
but cried. thats all he did
and he couldnt shut up
he couldnt stop crying
so he hit him
and only made him cry more
then he turned his wheelchair toward the wall
and yelled time out
i cried as i watched it
from behind the couch
but through all of this stuff
ive tried to be strong
and now that we are all finally safe
that part of the pain is gone
but i will forever remember those days
and remember all of of the pain
for the rest of my days
i wish i could go back
and change it all
i wish i would of done something
instead of just sitting there
he was right
i am nothing but a scared little mistake
and thats all i will ever be.
even though i have a wonderful boy now
i am still just me
a little girl scared of the world.





Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback