Have you ever seen the light?
I have, but I try not to think about it most of the time.
I see it almost every moment after you have an episode.
I wonder if you feel it too?
Can you?
Do you even think others have feelings besides you?
In your world, are you the only that matters?
Do you even care about us?
Would you even miss me if I left?
What if I just left one day.
Never to return.
Would you miss me or just be thankful never to see me again?
I have no way of knowing.
You make it seem as though you wouldn’t even notice I was gone.
Not that I would care.
I just want a mom.
Any kind of mom.
Just not the one that I have.
The one that I have makes me feel rotten, as though the world would have been better off without me.
Is that true?
How would I know.
She did not even care when I really wanted to die.
Why should she care if I vanished
If anything it should be a relief to her
She’d never have to yell at me again
She’d never have to worry about how I am reflecting the family
I would be in the past, never to be seen of again.
Sure, I’d visit other family members but never her
She just makes me feel like I’m useless.
Someone unimportant and someone that will never amount to anything.
I know none of that is true, but everytime she says something I believe it
In my heart I just want to make her proud
But its an impossible feat I’ve been trying years to accomplish
I’ve almost given up on it
I don’t have much more time left with her and
I’m tired of dealing with it.
I just want to be loved
Not pushed down
And left to cry alone and in shame.