star water and seagulls

July 24, 2012
the world sleeps, as snow gathers in heaps across my windowpane
my cup of tea is balanced on my knee as i wonder why my beauty sleep never seems to work
because i try so hard to be acceptable to you, to rise to your standards
and i don't know why it matters, but it seems to me that it does, somehow
so i'll continue

mascara covers up my bloodshot eyes and
i order diet coke with a side of small fries and
i don't know what i look like past my marketed disguise and
i mostly try not to think about what this implies and
it takes all that i have to hide it sometimes and
it's all i can do to stifle the cries and
i don't know how long i can keep up with the lies and
my life doesn't feel like it's mine

remember when you asked me if i was vain
and i didn't even have to stop and think, the answer will always be the same and that is
i am vain and i'm a brain and yes i'm mentally insane
it's all a chain, a mental game that no one wants to play
and i've never had champagne but i bet it tastes like winter
which is to say it tastes bitter
bitter like heartache and bitter like lemons and bitter like hard candy and bitter like me

you've made me cynical
i'm too critical and political and very hypocritical and why can't i feel anything anymore
and i'll continue to blame you but deep down i think it's mostly me
i don't believe anything that anybody says to me and i have been tricked
tricked out of a childhood and tricked out of ignorance
which is to say i have been tricked out of bliss
no wonder i'm the girl nobody wants to kiss
i wouldn't want to, i don't blame you

i wish i could fly
and eat trash out of fast food parking lots
instead of everyone's mouths
it is healthier, in your stomach than in your head
where it doesn't decompose, but festers and grows
and spoils and rots and cannot be forgotten
and i've never had beer but i bet it tastes like here
which is to say it tastes awful
awful like suffocation and awful like cold showers and awful like spoiled milk and awful like me

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