shreds of confidence

July 19, 2012
“Have more confidence,” my family says,
Even as they comment
On my every weakness,
My every failure.
My incapability to
Measure up against my friends,
And themselves.

Some days, I want to scream.
Scream that,
No. I’m not a failure.
My weaknesses are also my strengths.
Why is that so hard to understand?
I know that everyone is better than me.
I get that.
I can accept it.
Why can’t you?

But I don’t.
I know that every word I utter
Will be disregarded.
That I will be shut down,
Pushed away, and ignored.
I know that whatever I give,
Everything that I try,
Will never
Be enough.

So I let every word swirl in my brain.
Let very derogatory comment
To keep repeating themselves,
Imprinting into my brain.
Letting them—everyone—
Shred my slowly fading confidence to pieces.
Until I just want disappear.

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