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Eat You Alive

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Eat you alive.
Candy lips and fingertips
I bite the bone clean.
Scream and shout,
Trash about --
You won't succeed;
I've got you now.
You're in my trap,
My little game,
My cannibal hunger.
Eat you alive.




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Justpuppy said...
Aug. 12, 2012 at 9:57 am:
It fun to chant, the candy lips reminds me a bit of Halloween though. Other then that I think its awesome. Nice short and to the point.
 
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Caleb.Andrews said...
Aug. 9, 2012 at 8:42 pm:
Very interesting! This is well-written and definitely original. I would be interested to know what the inspiration for this was! I like the skulking, almost dark energy that is present throughout the poem. The only thing that I would change would be the repetition of "eat you alive" at the very end. I think that ending with "my cannibal hunger" is more powerful, but it is still great either way. Kudos!
 
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Kiki_McGee said...
Aug. 3, 2012 at 12:02 am:
Hey, thanks for the feedback! I agree that there are definitely a few errors within the piece (an example being "trash" instead of "thrash") and I really do love the advice (trust me, I could use the help I get). Tiwaz: I must admit that it would be pretty fun to steal a congressman's shoes and run off to Costa Rica. It's nice and warm there. Of course, one cannot forget to bring along a yorkie! There're so cute! However, my dad still calls them furry rats! Thanks for the advice :)
 
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TiwazThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 2, 2012 at 11:44 am:

First of all, this is a wonderful poem and I love its simplicity, but I've just got a couple suggestions. I'm gonna go ahead and apologize for going on and on.

 

In the 2nd line, I don't really like the word "bite", because it puts this goofy image in my head of someone doing a Pac-Man motion on a dog bone. I know the alliteration is nice, but I would suggest another word, maybe "lick", "gnaw", or "chew"

 

Secondly, instead of "you won't succeed", how abo... (more »)

 
Eirias replied...
Aug. 2, 2012 at 10:10 pm :

I pretty much agree with Tiwaz. "bite" does not agree with the adjective "clean."

Perhaps you meant to say "thrash" instead of "trash"?

Also, if this is legitly about cannibalism (which is the only thing I think it could be about), "candy" makes me think that this is something metaphorical. Cannibalism is an interesting subject, but not something I would see as the basis for 2 poems by the same person.

I would also like to see a break into 2 (or even 3) stanzas somewhere.... (more »)

 
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