I wish I could say that the silence is deafening,

That the world stands still as we wait for a verdict.

But those little girls next to us giggle and play

And chase each other around the sandbox.

Dogs bark and teenagers chatter about nonsense.

You hold my hand across the table and

Draw circles with your thumb while I,

Waiting for an eternity in my mind,

Stare into nothingness, and yet,
Into everything.
Wondering about damnation
And whether I can be damned while still alive.
Do these people recognize my face from the paper?
Can anyone tell
That everything has fallen apart?
Crumbled under drunken decisions
And torn apart by the anvils on my shoulders.
Forced to constantly contemplate
How I could kill someone.
And my brain won’t let me forget
The way she looked next to me in the car
That I somehow wrapped around a tree.
She is waiting too.
In a pure white room.
With tubes sticking out of her like an alien.
Waiting to live.
Waiting to die.
And that is my consequence.
Her life was in my hands.

I guess I shouldn’t be trusted.