June 27, 2012
I don't walk the path that others do.
Their path is groomed and well tended.
Mine's covered in brambles with thorns that can kill
Don't even think about touching them.
People may know exactly where they are going
and that makes their path filled with light.
I have no idea where I'm going
and the deadened trees tower over my path, illuminating it with darkness.
It scares me.
My path winds about in a way that cannot be mapped.
It changes all the time, no one detail is ever the same.
So while you go on your perfect,pretty path,
Let me go on my dark unknown one.

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This article has 5 comments. Post your own now!

KK2013 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Very different! Me likey! 

A couple comments, though!

1.) Some of your sentences are a little choppy... (e.g., the second sentence sounds a little funny.)

2.) Don't be afraid to play around with layout! I wish you had done something cool like make "Don't even think about touching them" a seperate paragraph, so it stands out... 

3.) And lastly, put a little more transition in between the last sentence and everything before it, so the last sentence holds mo... (more »)

PerfectChemistry replied...
Jul. 10, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Actually, I really like your last suggestion, so I will take it into consideration, thanks!:)


As for the abrubtness, I can fix that too. Thanks again for the feedback!

loveliza1111 said...
Jul. 10, 2012 at 4:15 pm
very nice :)
PerfectChemistry replied...
Jul. 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm
thank you. Any suggestions or should I just leave it the way it is? :)
loveliza1111 replied...
Jul. 11, 2012 at 8:21 pm
Hm, I'm not sure, I mean I'm sur eyou could edit it and make it even better, but over all its very good, and I cant think of anything specific.
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