Paths

June 27, 2012
By JustTryAndCatchMe. BRONZE, Fredericktown, Ohio
JustTryAndCatchMe. BRONZE, Fredericktown, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Und ich will nicht die Welt um mich zu sehen denn ich glaube nicht, dass sie würden understand.When alles gemacht hat, gebrochen zu werden, ich möchte nur, dass Sie wissen, wer ich bin." Goo Goo Dolls


I don't walk the path that others do.
Their path is groomed and well tended.
Mine's covered in brambles with thorns that can kill
Don't even think about touching them.
People may know exactly where they are going
and that makes their path filled with light.
I have no idea where I'm going
and the deadened trees tower over my path, illuminating it with darkness.
It scares me.
My path winds about in a way that cannot be mapped.
It changes all the time, no one detail is ever the same.
So while you go on your perfect,pretty path,
Let me go on my dark unknown one.



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This article has 5 comments.


on Jul. 11 2012 at 8:21 pm
loveliza1111 BRONZE, Hope, Rhode Island
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The world may be broken, but hope is not crazy." ~John Green

Hm, I'm not sure, I mean I'm sur eyou could edit it and make it even better, but over all its very good, and I cant think of anything specific.

on Jul. 10 2012 at 6:23 pm
JustTryAndCatchMe. BRONZE, Fredericktown, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Und ich will nicht die Welt um mich zu sehen denn ich glaube nicht, dass sie würden understand.When alles gemacht hat, gebrochen zu werden, ich möchte nur, dass Sie wissen, wer ich bin." Goo Goo Dolls

Actually, I really like your last suggestion, so I will take it into consideration, thanks!:)

 

As for the abrubtness, I can fix that too. Thanks again for the feedback!


KK2013 GOLD said...
on Jul. 10 2012 at 6:18 pm
KK2013 GOLD, Solon, Ohio
10 articles 2 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.-J. K. Rowling

Very different! Me likey! 

A couple comments, though!

1.) Some of your sentences are a little choppy... (e.g., the second sentence sounds a little funny.)

2.) Don't be afraid to play around with layout! I wish you had done something cool like make "Don't even think about touching them" a seperate paragraph, so it stands out... 

3.) And lastly, put a little more transition in between the last sentence and everything before it, so the last sentence holds more of your meaning. I thought it felt a little abrupt.

These are my suggestions! But don't feel like you have to actually listen to any of them! :P Poetry isn't my strongest suit, so you might know a little better than I do! Congrats on a good piece!


on Jul. 10 2012 at 4:24 pm
JustTryAndCatchMe. BRONZE, Fredericktown, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Und ich will nicht die Welt um mich zu sehen denn ich glaube nicht, dass sie würden understand.When alles gemacht hat, gebrochen zu werden, ich möchte nur, dass Sie wissen, wer ich bin." Goo Goo Dolls

thank you. Any suggestions or should I just leave it the way it is? :)

on Jul. 10 2012 at 4:15 pm
loveliza1111 BRONZE, Hope, Rhode Island
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The world may be broken, but hope is not crazy." ~John Green

very nice :)


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