I Reach

June 7, 2012
By Anonymous

I fight this love, light up a bowl
Trying to fill the pieces of me you stole
With the smoke in my lungs, the pipe in my hand
Killing my throat, like I’m swallowing sand
The burning sensation, losing my grip
The fire ignites me on my recent trip
Pushing me away from my scary thoughts
Trying to find the light of 1000 watts
It never really takes me quite that far
The inside of my lungs are filled up with tar
I can’t do this anymore, I try to forget
About the days where I wonder if it’s worth it
So I sit in the dark, with a knife to my wrist
With a green bag next to me, ready to twist
I don’t like what I’m becoming, or where I’m going
The bracelets cover up where blood once was flowing
The empty bottles next to my bed; alcohol and meds
All were consumed by the wanting outcome of death
So upset each day I wake up alive
Wanting to end this fight to survive

I know my mom’s not gonna like this, my dad won’t listen to it
But there was a time when they were the reason why I blew it
I’m trying to stop, because life isn’t so bad
But then I remember about the times I once had
Take a rope, or a knife. I just wanna end this life
But then I remember the phone call that night.
When everything turned real, death is a big deal
It’ll take me forever, but this pain will once heal
Because my cousin, my angel, she left me behind
Standing alone with my dull light that won’t shine
Every day I think about it, pain magnifies
Tears come rolling, rain falling from my eyes
Reach over to find the little red lighter,
Feel God’s hand around my wrist grow tighter
I know he wants me to stop, alongside my cousin
But I can’t push through this, there’s too much struggling
So I find my strength in a little green bag,
Always sneaking money from my mother and my dad
I hate that I do it, I don’t mean to disappoint
But when the pain comes running, I grab for that joint
I know the ones who love me; I know the ones who care
But sometimes there are days where I can’t find you anywhere
I want an answer, so I send out a call
I just want someone to be there to catch me when I fall
So I inhale the smoke, fall out of depression
Look into his eyes; hope he has a good impression
Of what I have to give because I need to feel love
I’ll take all the pain, all the pushes and shoves
Different one the next night, this life is real rough
But what’s a girl gotta do to feel a little love?
This is the person I never planned on being
Look in the mirror; don’t know who I’m seeing
Take a step back, examine my reflection
Oh what I’d do to feel a little perfection
My bowl is now porcelain, shiny slick white
Forget a pipe and pull out my insides
One and two, that wasn’t so bad,
Three and four, I’m the best he ever had
Five and six, I got it on my shirt
Seven and eight, it’s starting to hurt
My life is blaring around me, cut out the songs
No one remembers the right’s but always the wrongs
So I’m alone, laying on the floor
Half expecting someone to knock on the door
But no one will, who am I kidding?
I’m no one important, no one worth missing

There was a time when I thought I had you
But when I fell, I just fell right through
Your arms didn’t catch me; your eyes looked away
You turned around; I didn’t know what to say
I begged, I pleaded; you had what I needed
But no one loves me more than weed did
That’s why I can’t stop; why I keep blowing it
I wanna hate it, but it’s hard showing it
When it’s the only thing that’s ever been there for me
Because everything else has already tore into me
I’m numb, I can’t feel any pain
Ice cold water, screaming through the rain
Scratching, tearing on my insides
Fighting for my life but hoping that this light dies
Without having to kill the fire myself
The candle in my room sitting on my shelf
The light burning, so tiny and small
So helpless, so weak I can only crawl
I fall, down the black whole
I feel so worthless, like I’m a lost soul
I am lost, I always have been
Except for the time, I thought I had him
Everything with him was a mistake
Tie him to a weight, and then throw him in a lake

I light our story on fire, so I can forget it
Watch it burn in flames and you with it
In the tiny glass bowl is our miserable past
How long does this worthless memory last?
It’s why I fill it up, pack it to the rim
Smoke it till it’s gone, can’t feel any limbs
I cry when it’s over, I beg for more
Drowning in my tears, trying to reach the shore
Getting caught up in tides, losing hold of my life
Trying to cut these chains with a dull knife
Can’t fight anymore, losing my breath
Taking a right on a street called death
No, that’s the wrong turn, go back around
Cause soon you will be six feet under ground
Reaching for the fire, losing my vision
Falling in love, it wasn’t my intention
But I did, and you did, so why is it like this?
Now my hearts a toy on the land of misfits
Tired of feeling low, tired of being held down
Sad when you can’t even hear a happy sound
Cause it tears you apart, and it keeps you down under
I’m drowning under water, but I can still hear the thunder
I’m coming to the surface, I can win this war
I’ll be soaking wet, but I’ll walk through the door
Cause I can cry an ocean and the Mississippi river
But something always stopped me from pulling the trigger
I’m starting to see the golden yellow light,
Bursting through the waves, wow what a sight
I swim a little faster, soak up my tears
Reach for the light, drown out my fears
It’s closer now, I can really feel it
I have battle wounds, but I know the light can heal it
So I reach, I feel the warmth on my fingers
It takes over my body, and the sensation lingers
Down under my skin, I can feel the spark
Where my head is no longer caught in the dark
I look into the sky, I can see the clouds forming
I ignore my scars, I’m tired of warnings
I swim to the sand, feel the sun surround me
Killing off the hatred laying around me
I want to live without being tied down
I’m strong enough now, I can jump off the ground
So I crawl to my knees, take a deep breath
Look behind me at the scary sea depth
I survived, I lived through it, I am finally free
Nothing to pull me down, it let go of me
I look at my hands, I still see the glow
I’m fearless now; I can feel my strength grow
Relief washes over, a smile creeps into my heart
Now that I have the light, I can’t be torn apart

The author's comments:
I've had a hard life: full of tears, regret, and want. I moved on though. I'm still holding onto that light.

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