I told him I loved him,but he hasn't responded. He is standing their looking scared, but he also looks happy. He told me he had to tell me something,but he won't say what it is. The silence is awkward and heartbreaking. He takes my hand not knowing what to say. His eyes are full of tears,and mine are burning as well. My hands are sweating because of the nervous look on his face.The words that come out of his mouth pierce my heart,and I am speechless.How could this be happening to me? How could he, after everything we have been through,still see me as nothing. He looks at me nervously, his eyes full of sorrow.I try to concentrate on him,but my heart fills with anger, confusion,and hatred. He trys to comfort me, but I pull away. I don't want him anymore,he is worthless.I start to run and he calls my name,but I go on. I have to process everything he has told me.The next few days are torture. he calls me,but I never answer. My heart is empty,there is no need for the blood pumping in my chest.I try to start living my life again, but it is impossible.My life is worthless without him in it.I am driving myself crazy! Not being with him, or interacting with him is ripping my heart out. Although I try I can not last without him. The only way to not want him is to die. It is the only way of moving on,if I don't kill myself I'll die trying. He is like a disease you can never get rid of. He never understood how much he meant to me. How he made my life feel worth...living. And now he is gone;he will never be mine again. So everything is worthless,including me.
June 7, 2012