Dear Little League Parents,

I'm new at this, so sorry about that last call. You're right though, I am picking on your kid. I care if your eight year old gets on base or not, and I care even more whether his team wins or loses. That is why I REFUSE to, "call it both ways." This call shouldn't phase you that much though, your kid is still probably going to make it to the big leagues. I mean he's eight, he is six years away from high school, 10 years away from being a senior. When he's a senior the odds of him being drafted to a MINOR league ball club are one in 100. I'm sure he'll be the one out of 100 to get picked, and then after that its an even bigger climb to the majors, but he'll make it.

I could barely see that 45 mph "fastball" on the "outside corner" it was coming at me so fast, that's why I called it a strike, even though your son's expertly trained eye thought it was a ball. I really appreciate that you taught him not to yell at the umps, even though your parents didn't teach you. It's just funny to me how I stand directly behind the catcher, behind home plate, and you sit at an elevated angle on the side through a fence but you can still see where that pitch was better than I could. I just wish that my eyes were as great as yours.

Oh, here's a thought, maybe tomorrow when you are in your office, I can come yell at you. How would you like that? I can see it now. I'll just critique whatever you do even though, I have no formal training in your field. I'll act like an expert but then when you confront me, I'll act like you've been attacking me this whole time. Hopefully, you work at a pharmacy, that would make it easiest to get some of your own medicine.

You think your yelling has an effect on me and it does, however, it isn't doing what you think. I'm not making better calls for your team, I'm getting pissed off and probably making worse calls. I might even make an effort to make bad calls for your team, ESPECIALLY your son. He can thank you for his 0 for 3 day with 3 called strikeouts when he gets done crying. I have nothing against him, with a parent like you I'm sure he's a great kid. I do have something against you though.

You should probably work on your son's skills and when he has a PERFECT eye and I call a pitch he doesn't agree with then you can come talk to me. I warn you ahead of time though, I'll probably just punch you in the face since one of us must be dreaming. If your son swings and misses how is that different from me missing a strike call? Why don't you yell at him as it has caused the start of the apocalypse? You're son is not perfect and neither am I. We are both doing our best so how 'bout you just sit, smile, and clap.

Shut your big fat mouth,
Zack