The moment we separated and feel apart was the moment you twisted that dagger in my heart. The moment my life came shattering around me. A child not old enough to even be considered human lay inside my womb. You my child were conceived in a flurry of questions and accusations. When I look in your green eyes I still see your daddy’s face. A face you will never know. Not by my choice and not by his choose. Darling your daddy was sick I’d tell you. He had something inside of him that made him want to rip apart our family like flower pedals. He had something inside of him that made him want to rip himself from the inside out every time he looked in the mirror. I have the monster inside me too, but I have to fight it everyday so that you can say that I gave you the best I could even though your daddy to a .22 and blow himself away. I want you to be able to look in the mirror and see the green eyes your daddy gave you and know that this isn’t the only thing he gave you. He gave you me. He made me see that just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I can give up. Just because I have to fight doesn’t mean I can’t look myself in the eyes. I know when you grow up darling you’ll see what I see. You’ll see a world full of possibilities. A world that could chew you up and spit you out, and even if it does…you wont stop fighting you wont stop fight because you are your mothers daughter and even though you’ll see the world through your fathers eyes doesn’t mean you can’t inturpate them through my vision. It doesn’t mean that you can’t look at a dying flower and see beauty. It doesn’t mean that you can’t look at a sunset and be disgusted. You are your mothers daughter. And even if Those green eyes see the light of day and you see a monster looking back at you. You need to know. You can’t stop fighting.
April 13, 2012