Her, Me, and Thee | Teen Ink

Her, Me, and Thee

April 24, 2012
By Under-the-Rain GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
Under-the-Rain GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
18 articles 5 photos 100 comments

Favorite Quote:
Are you ready to go to battle with your mind?- Written by me :)
Lost the battle, win the war//Bringing my sinking ship back to the shore- Paramore, Now


What stands before her,
she does not want to believe.

ANATHEMA!

Her vision becomes distorted,
-CRYING!-
but the image is already
stuck in her head.


Thee look what you all
have done to her.
I’ve watched her suffer in agony,
I’ve watched her shed blood,
I’ve watched her go mad,
I’ve… watched her kill herself.

Thee look what
you all have done.
You shunned her out.

How is it that
monsters get to live in the light,
while she was concealed behind the darkness?

Thee you made her into nothing,
doesn’t that mean something,
you all contributed to her death.
I forgot monsters don’t care or feel
all they do is lie.

I am “her”
Thee you have killed me
now I shall watch you kill each other.


The author's comments:
MEANING OF:
"Her vision becomes distorted,
-CRYING!-
but the image is already
stuck in her head."
This means that the character was unhappy of what stood out before her, which made her cry. Her/Me tries to to come up with different scenarios that would explain of what she just saw, but no avail, it's too late, she knows the truth.
The occurrence of this event leads Her/Me to be a nonentity or recluse, and ousted in the dark becoming "mad" full of hurt, cutting herself hoping the pain, sorrow, and agony will flow out along with her blood. Later on, she kills herself, all of this is blamed by "Thee"
In the 1st two lines of the poem I don't say what is stands before Her/Me, because I want the reader to come up with ideas of why the character would cry, and call "Thee" monsters that "don't care or feel / all they do is lie."
Also "Thee"is a group of people who have lead Her/Me to her death.

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This article has 10 comments.


on Sep. 1 2012 at 4:35 pm
Under-the-Rain GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
18 articles 5 photos 100 comments

Favorite Quote:
Are you ready to go to battle with your mind?- Written by me :)
Lost the battle, win the war//Bringing my sinking ship back to the shore- Paramore, Now

Thank you for loving/ my poem. All of what you all said has touched my heart and i will take all of your advice to create more "beautiful, amazing, but dark :-) poems"

on Jun. 22 2012 at 7:38 pm
Under-the-Rain GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
18 articles 5 photos 100 comments

Favorite Quote:
Are you ready to go to battle with your mind?- Written by me :)
Lost the battle, win the war//Bringing my sinking ship back to the shore- Paramore, Now

yea, my cousin pushed me into writing such a long sidenote. she kept saying,

"what happens if they don't understand it, explain what that means." she can be pushy at times.


InkWriter13 said...
on Jun. 22 2012 at 7:10 pm
I like the use of Thee instead of an identified name. But you shouldn't have to list long sidenotes to the reader so that they understand the poem. The reader is supposed to grasp the meaning behind your words/thoughts/poem by just the poem itself. A little more clarity is needed, but don't give up on the base idea. I love the dark intruige of monsters leading to the death of a human. Fascinating and truly poetic. Just develop it more and clean up some thoughts.

elizamc83 GOLD said...
on Jun. 22 2012 at 10:50 am
elizamc83 GOLD, Concord, Massachusetts
17 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"From now on, I don't care if my tea leaves spell 'Die, Ron, die,' I'm chucking them in the bin where they belong." -Ron Weasley

I agree.....it was good, but I felt the use of "you" and "thee" at the same time didn't really make it sound genuine with the voice you were going for. 

on May. 29 2012 at 3:51 pm
starzforever GOLD, Sebring, Florida
15 articles 0 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
being me is the greatest gift

i love the darkness of your poem

and the last part were you are thee.


on May. 27 2012 at 8:25 pm
DreamingOutQuiet SILVER, Round Rock, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Time and the bell have buried the day,
The black cloud carries the sun away" - Elliot

Oh if life where made of moments, even now and then a bad one. Oh, if life where made of moments then we wouldn't know we had one. - Into the Woods

portray, not whatever that word was.

on May. 27 2012 at 8:24 pm
DreamingOutQuiet SILVER, Round Rock, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Time and the bell have buried the day,
The black cloud carries the sun away" - Elliot

Oh if life where made of moments, even now and then a bad one. Oh, if life where made of moments then we wouldn't know we had one. - Into the Woods

I like it, but thee you is saying the same thing, hun. Thee or you. Choose. The poem itself was good enough that you dont need to overexplain next time. You can pprtray  some of your meaning, but poetry is objective.

Lacer GOLD said...
on May. 16 2012 at 6:50 pm
Lacer GOLD, Highland Village, Texas
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The thing about philosophy is that it often runs dry when thought of so shallowly.

First off, don't provide an explanation. It makes you seem overeager and feels like your trying to say "I know it's too deep for you, so here, I'll just tell you." It's condescending.
Then, the structure is awkward. At first, the interuptions do little to help, and instead interupt the flow of the poem. Then, they never appear again when more action is happening. If you used more of them and at the end/between stanzas, they'd have a more powerful effect that doesn't distract the reader.

The first person is a little stilted, she moves from being creepily observant, to overemotional, to scolding, to horrified, to scolding, to thoughtfully observant again. Things jump around, and unless you make some impliance that the character is insane, it doesn't help your writing.

However, your action is clear, and the character I do understand, and what is happening, but your set-up needs work.

It is a good poem, a good theme, and a good use of the olden term "Thee" for powerful imagery/meaning.


on May. 16 2012 at 10:22 am
mindless_dreaming BRONZE, Wyckoff, New Jersey
1 article 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"May make my heart as a millstone, set my face as a flint, Cheat and be cheated, and die: who knows? We are ashes and we are dust." -Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 'Maud'

this poem is amazing. i really connected to it, one of the best i've ever read on here

on May. 7 2012 at 7:52 am
poetidea_myworld_22 PLATINUM, Rediville, South Carolina
39 articles 1 photo 104 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her" Marylin Monroe

This is amazing I love it u can feel the emotion nd it flows beautifully :)


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