The Last Time I Saw Him

April 17, 2012
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The last time I saw him, his body was numb
His lips quivered slowly, his breath smelled like plum.
He muttered his last few words,
And hoped to see the birds.

He taught me how to read, and taught me how to write
He also taught me to fight with all my might.
All the time I would complain, all the time I would cry,
But I never thought that he might die.

Daddy, come back! I won't be so mean
You can't leave me, I'm only sixteen.
But it was too late
His death was fate.

His body was cold and frail,
Outside it began to hail.
The sky began to dim,
But that was the last time I saw him.

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Meagan W. said...
May 11, 2012 at 8:55 am
This poem is touching and really inspired me. I love it!
maizyiscrazy said...
Apr. 30, 2012 at 7:17 pm

This is really beautiful. I love the vivid picture that you paint. The one thing is, though that in

"The last time I saw him, his

body was numb

His lips quivered slowly, his

breath smelled like plum," seems a little forced. That's my only critique, though! *****

torilutz8 said...
Apr. 30, 2012 at 8:55 am
The imagery and overall idea is great and moving. I would only work on making it flow better. Try to keep a consitency with the number of syllables in the stanzas (as in 5 syllables and then 7, then 5 and then 7 for instance). Hopefully that makes sense haha. But it's really nice, just work on the flowing :)
CountryPopGirl said...
Apr. 29, 2012 at 3:26 pm

First off - the image totally fits (even though it says she was 16)

Second - this just reminds all of us how precious our parents are. And we don't realize it until they are gone

So - BRAVO! ;)

AgentOrange789 said...
Apr. 28, 2012 at 1:59 pm
This is really good. It's obvious how heartfelt this was, and I feel deeply sorry for your loss. 
girly21 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Thank so much! I'm glad you like it! Also, I actually didn't loose anyone. There are just times when I feel like writing heartfelt poetry :) Thanks again
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