I don't want to hurt anymore
but I'm afraid to close that door.
Could I live without the racing thrill?
Without you making me feel
like the only girl in the world?
I know my ways can't be maintained,
that mine is an altered state.
Still, for so long as I am able
I will not take my place at the table.
Skin taut, muscles knot as I
carve away who I am.
I see that I have been condemned
to a life of being unable to stand without
swaying, spinning in my head,
teetering, falling as if dead.
The eternal masochist in me
can barely contain her sick glee.
As hunger tears at my every member
I start to forget how to remember
a time when health and strength were beauty
when my weight wasn't the priority.
My steps' heaviness weighs me down.
Or could it be the pain in which I drown?
I know that I am stronger than her,
than the voice that whispers in my ear.
She whispers lies and empty threats
Fills my mind with a thousand regrets
for every morsel I consume.
She's convinced me that I am doomed,
that only through fasting and penance
may I make due recompense
for the sins of the flesh.
I am now holier than thou,
O Human, who dost use thy mouth
for such gluttonous endeavors
as dining, rather than constant prayer
that you might worldly perfection attain
as you endure the hunger pangs.
That voice keeps moving the finish line
as it comes into focus in my mind.
My goal, once to lose a few pounds
as I surpass it, slips further down.
Numbers lose their significance
in the equation that makes no sense.
When she decides I'm slim enough,
I'll finally give this addiction up.
Until then, I'll run into the horizon
with no intention of compromising
After a while, I stop this game
living with all lost, all to gain.
Somehow I find the strength to quit.
I'm not as thin as I could be,
but I want to be set free,
to eat as I please,
It feels strange to sit, fork in hand
after months and months of starvation
and need not make every crumb last
for that has become a thing of the past.
I realize now that I was never fat,
I just fell through the looking glass.