April 17, 2012
I hate you.
I love you.
I want something more,
Yet I crave the protection of your open arms.
I sometimes let my mind wander off to dangerous territory.
When my thoughts consist of his deep, entrancing eyes.
And his warm soft touch.
That makes my body want more than I'm willing to give.
For now.
Do you see his shadow behind my guilty eyes?
You used to make me feel like I was THE girl.
The only girl who ever crossed your mind.
I wonder occasionally,
Why I can't love you,
Like I used to.
You lit my world on fire and now?
It's as cold as the snow we first met in.
Remember that night?
When we fell in love?
I have never felt so alone.
I'm standing in a world full of lies, pain, and pure agony.
You used me.
I was just the fake Barbie doll whose ears,
Weren't able to hear your voice lie to mine.
I was trapped in my own mind,
Helpless to help myself.
Do you know how much it hurt,
To know that you moved on?
To her?
I was the one who was supposed to move on first.
And yet,
It was me who was the last one crying.
Your tears had been wiped away by her dirty hands.
Who was there for me?
To make sure my tears never hit the ground?
No one.
There was no place I could
From your questionable looks,
The ones that make me wonder what's on your mind.
You were around every corner.
Every turn.
Every moment.
Haunting me.
Taunting me.
I wonder if you thought of me at all.
When you touched her did you think about me?
Wish it was me?
While I was laying here alone in my bed,
Screaming my heart out
With no one to hear me.
I needed someone.
To hold me.
Touch me.
Whisper things to me so I'd know things would eventually get easier.
That the moments wouldn't always drag on for hours.
I had no hope.
You took all that I was,
And tore me into a million pieces
That would never
Go back together.
Then someone else came along.
Someone unexpected.
Someone new.
Someone dangerous.
I know I gave you one more chance,
To prove to me that you were actually worth my time.
Even though,
We both knew you didn't deserve it.
It's not my fault
That my heart is still torn apart,
Missing the pieces that you stole.
Those pieces that once helped me look past your flaws and mistakes.
And now?
I see you for who you truly are.
All your lies, mistakes, and your cold heart
That won't let you love.
Am I unhappy?
Yea I guess so.
It's just taken me so long to see what's in front of me,
And try and help myself.
I see my options flying past my face.
And there you are,
Holding my hands down
So I can't reach out and grab them.
I don't want the world to pass me by, just because I am afraid to let go.
Let go of all the memories we shared
And replace them with memories of someone new.
But how do I know,
If my broken heart can take it again?
Take another chance or leap of faith?
I'm always falling in and out,
Tumbling around in the ever constant vicious cycle of reality.
Will my heart let me feel again?
I want to feel my
Pure, raw emotions again.
And for the first time,
Not be afraid to share them with the world.
But what if I have nothing left to give?
Will I ever let anyone bring down my walls of steel
That surround my mind body and heart?
I built them high and strong,
But each pretty eyed boy
Broke them.
Tore them down and all the while
Smirking at my pathetic attempts to stop them.
I can't.
I won't.
Let this happen to me again.
I don't know how much longer I will be able to go on in this lifetime,
If I have to go through it again.
I question myself over and over again.
Who will be the next one?
The next one who wants to get to know the real me?
Will I be able to let them see, what I have become?
Who I have become?
So for now,
Until I have an answer to my endless questions,
I'll bat my eyes at the ones who think they have a chance.
Flaunt, tease and fake some more smiles.
As far as everyone can see,
I'll be strong.
But on the inside,
My heart will cry
When my tears can no longer fall.

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