An Exploration of My Fear

March 29, 2012
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I don’t know why,
All I know is that I’m afraid.
Maybe it’s because I prefer different things,
The way the breeze catches her locks,
Shining so beautifully in the sun,
The gentle curve of her hips,
As compared to the way he runs a hand over his head,
Ruffling and fluffing the perfect chaos that is his hair,
The reassuring structure of his jaw,
That’s not bad either.
Maybe I’m afraid of this,
Because of the horrified looks,
So often thrown my way,
Or the uncertainty of it,
Spinning me in oh so many circles,
Torn between which,
And why.
Maybe it’s because of so much hostility,
Penned and quieted in the reaches of my mind.
I’m angry,
But I’ve no room to complain,
Stuck between the rock of one home,
And the hard place of another,
Overwhelmed by how insignificantly my protests are uttered,
In the shadow of their cries.
Who am I to cry,
To hurt,
When they are so strong?
I am angry because I’m hurt,
And I’m afraid because I’m angry.
Maybe it’s because of false smiles,
Hooks and strings tugging at my cheeks,
Cogs and gears cranking my muscles.
I don’t like that feeling,
Of knowing that my muscles are at work,
Though this seems more common than most,
And has seemed so for years.
It wasn’t always so.
I am afraid that I will forget how to really smile.
Maybe it’s because I am on the cusp of a new life,
When I have just begun to settle into this one.
I feel like a sticker,
Pulled from one place and put in another,
Until I can’t hang on anymore,
And collapse to the floor,
Misshapen and worn thin,
Pieces of myself left behind,
Stuck to the places I’ve been.
Maybe it’s because of who I’ve become,
A creature that tries so hard to find her place in the minds,
The hearts of others,
To find a way to matter,
That it borders on psychotic.
Maybe it’s because of the beautiful,
Dizzying paradox that my life has become,
“A broken hallelujah”,
As I once heard in a song.
Maybe it’s all of these things,
Maybe it’s none.
Maybe it’s just me,
My imagination.
I don’t know.
All I know is that I’m afraid.

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