You wanna know why I’m so quiet, what I never really speak? Why everyone thinks I’m shy but I’m actually just weak? Wanna know why when you ask me to I refuse to talk, why even though I’m up for it I don’t wanna walk. It’s because of the fact that I’m not home & I don’t have to think. It’s because I’m not being asked about all the dirty dishes in the sink. Or why the dog hasn’t had a bath yet, or why I’m dressed the way I am. It’s because when I’m with you, I don’t have to give a dam. I don’t have to think about the yelling, the b****ing, the complaining & the fights. It’s because when I’m with you everything’s all right. It’s quiet for a moment, so I just like to take it in, because when the moments gone I have to go home again. Home’s supposed to be a place where I get to feel secure, where I get to feel safe, ok & reassured. But instead it’s just another place, were I don’t feel like I belong. My home is just another building with people & things that just seem wrong. I know my parents love me & I love them just as well but sometimes it just feels like they purposely make my life a living hell. When I’m with you things are different, it all just goes away, like someone casted spell on me & my mind has been erased. Sure I’d love to talk but I don’t wanna complain. I guess the real truth is that I don’t want you to think I’ve gone insane. And I know you love me too, that’s why with you I’m really just calm. It’s not that I don’t wanna talk or that something may be wrong. I’m honestly just fine, It’s another process of my life, just something else that I’ll have to work through & push to the back of my mind. When I’m with you all my problems just seem to go away, so when you ask me to talk or speak, I can’t remember what to say. I know it may sound strange but you’re like a completely different world. This girl that you’ve grown to know& love is me, the real me, But at home I’m a different girl, I’m not the one you usually see. She’s full of secrets, lies, & thoughts. She’s over whelmed & confused. She has 10 people telling her 100 different things & now she’s afraid to make her next move. I don’t like that girl she’s not fun & she’s not loose. She not the girl I wanna be. She’s not like me when I’m with you. Sure I still think, but not as much as I usually do. And all I really think about is how I don’t have to be so uptight with you. I can let my guard down; I don’t have to be afraid. With you I’m reassured I know that everything’s ok. My father controls my every move, I’m his little puppet on a string, he’s extremely over protective, I blame my brother for the way he treats me. Please don’t think I’m making up excuses when I say I can’t hang out, everything I say is true; I’m out of bushes to beat around. I have nothing to hide behind, so you might as well just know that when I’m with you I hope you understand that I was never given the opportunity to sincerely & truly let go. This little bird wants to fly but, this dog wants to chase its tail, but the nest just seems too high, & leash is strong enough to hold a whale. I guess I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. But none of this is important whenever I’m with you. So do you really wanna know why I’m so quiet, why I never really speak? Well it’s because when I’m with you, I finally get to be me.
March 28, 2012