The Almost Lost

I hold the gun to my head and c*** it
Pull the trigger or drop it
I've kept this secret for so long
I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this one
My arms remember the pain
50 scars of self inflicted pain
Trying to hide away the pain I feel inside
The outside world can't see
The real me
No one cares about me and what I can be
Struggling at the edge of who I am
One little squeeze is all that it takes
To end my suffering, end my life
Breathe my final breath and leave this life
Who would stop me
I sink to the floor to drive it in once more
Crimson warmth on the floor
Silent tears falling to the floor
Feeling the darkness trying to swoop in
And the door opens in
The gun falls out of my hand
My head falls back
The blade falling down
Memories flash, faces pass, my mind trying to shut down
I feel myself being lifted up
And those promises being whispered in my ear
Tears hit my cheek
Then everything disappears
10 years later I'm sitting on the couch, lil boy sitting on my lap
He looks at me with those pleading eyes
From my arms to my face again
Pain tears my heart
Tears fill my eyes
What should I say
How do I explain
All those years filled with pain
All the choices that I made
The struggle to survive
But instead he sees my pain
And he comforts me instead
My pride and joy
Looking at the picture from just 10 years earlier
At the father he should have had
I smile and close my eyes
A single tear falling from my eye
And I remember all the reasons for me
To keep on living





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