I will. I have to. I must.

What have I done?
I feel like I have red, sticky, dry, pasty, blood among my hands.
I feel like I took someones life away.
I feel as if I took their compassion and their joy, their hope and laughter.
I think so foul of them and myself.
I think they hate, I think they judge.
I think I can't tell them even thought I do.
I treat them like what I feel is crap.
I hold things in a far away, tightly locked safe, in the darkest part of my mind.
I always feel like crying, like...dieing.
I think of death and my palms clam, I think of the life I used to be apart of my chest tightens.
I think that they might be happy with me somewhere else.
Am I crazy?
Am I stupid?
Do they lie to me everyday?
What should I do?
What should I be?
How should I act?
Or am I normal in this sense?
I think I am a lone but I have been told I am not.
I have been alone before.
No one had really seen what I want them to.
To many walls, to many keys and locks to get through.
I try to keep my sore, cut, broken and bruised heart safe.
I try to make sure it will never see the light.
I am graded.
They can't see it.
They think I am a freak.
They won't even try to brake the locks.
They hear me coming and look at me in the oddest way.
I am alone and never alone.
I am so scared.
I am trying to stay strong.
I am keeping my head high.
I will keep my eyes dry.
I will accept myself.
They can judge and look,
Talk and try to read me like a over-aged book.
But until they talk to me and say those simple words, "I understand"
Then they will never know me.
And never see what I am meant to be.
I will not feel guilt for them, and I will never feel uneven,
their blood isn't on my hands.
My isn't on theirs.
While they blame God and others for what have done, and said.
I will take a lessons and learn for myself.
I will not have my life handed to me.
I will learn to be strong.
I will learn to stay my grounding.
I will.
I have to.
I must.