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How the dark night
Her end in sight
The last seconds of life drifted away
She wished she hadn't come this fateful day
When she had terrorized she never thought
The victims of the reconciliation she had sought
Would ever do anything like this
As she readied for death's quiet kiss
She thought of the events that brought her here
How she had stopped to dry a tear
Covered the newest bruise with makeup
And snuck out before he could get up
Before with bottle in hand he could give more so called love
She hoped her father in heaven would treat her better above
The boy she and her friends were especially mean to
Danced around as if there were things in his shoes
She had left the bonfire's safe side to get a drink
He had followed and into the shadows he did slink
He came at her with a strange look in his eyes
She yelled but he muffled her desperate cries
He began to speak in a deadly calm way
She tried to run not listening to what he had to say
He caught a hold of her waist
Then the pain came with a bitter taste
The red warmth of pain and suffering bloomed
At that moment she knew she was doomed
The inevitable as a dark cloud loomed
Her end was near in sight
Oh ,how dark the night




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This article has 13 comments. Post your own!

Lia692 said...
Jun. 30, 2012 at 10:58 am:
Wow. I agree with AgentOrange789; the rhymes seem a tad out of place, but the subtle character-building is fantastically done.
 
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AgentOrange789 said...
Mar. 29, 2012 at 12:49 am:
Very nice, although to me the rhymes seem a little awkward and forced at times. Still very good though. I like the way it's told...I can't quite put my finger on it. 
 
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NickyJ said...
Mar. 27, 2012 at 3:39 pm:
I don't really like the lack of punctuation but thats a personal preference. I think the story it tells is a bit generic but you wrote it well enough. The rhyming helps keep the reader's attention and continue the flow, which is good.

I particularly like the last few lines. They stand out to me the most.
 
The_Girl_On_FireThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 28, 2012 at 7:05 am :

It's nice, but the punctuation is a little off at times- for example, you have "oh ,how dark night..."with the comma in the wrong place.

 

 
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Jokorium This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 26, 2012 at 6:38 pm:
This was a very great piece!
I love that it flowed so easily, as it made it easier to follow along and hear it as if spoken aloud.
You have some talent. :)
 
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Ariya said...
Mar. 26, 2012 at 5:37 pm:
Thanks for all the compliments and I almost always ryme when I write poetry it just makes it seem more poetic to me. (if that makes sense)  
 
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dark_armor1This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Mar. 21, 2012 at 11:30 pm:
very good ! im impressed :) u are very talented keep it up !
 
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thetruthawaits94 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 21, 2012 at 11:29 am:
This is very good! It's very easy to read. The rhyming makes it flow and it doesn't seem forced at all! Awesome job!
 
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dreamshakerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 20, 2012 at 7:30 pm:

This was very powerful - I'm usually not much for rhyming poems (I can't rhyme to save my life...and I'm bitter about it) but this was actually very well done.

I loved the concept (as deranged as that probably makes me sound). It was, again, very powerful - you did a really nice job with the subject matter. I especially loved the closing line - it was absolutely perfect. You just packed it to the brim with meaning.

Well done - I enjoyed it. :)

 
beautifulspiritThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 21, 2012 at 7:31 am :
Yeah I agree with dreamshaker. The poem was well written. I like how the last line of the poem reflected back to the beginning---that was great. Good job!
 
loveissmilesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 21, 2012 at 9:30 am :
Agreed. I loved it, but hated it because i could feel the pain. Which is also why i loved it. (I know that makes no sense.) But it was compelling and extremely powerful. You are definately talented. =]
 
maizyiscrazy replied...
Mar. 26, 2012 at 9:44 am :
I exactly agree with loveissmiles. You did amazing with this one, awesome job!
 
Behind_a_Plastic_Smile replied...
Mar. 28, 2012 at 9:04 pm :
this was good-very powerful. there were times (just like twice) when the rhym seemed a little to forced andl it slightly interupted the flow, but hardly because it just moved so well. L also very mush enjoyed your word chioce.
 
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