Where I'm From

March 7, 2012
Death and despair are all around me
I try to fight the voices in my head
You’re ugly, you’re not worth anything they say to me
I try to ignore them, tell them they are wrong

Oh no, here come the anxious thoughts
What if I actually am those things?
What if they are true and everyone knows it?

Every day I break down and I can’t get out of bed
My family and friends try to comfort me, but they are no help

My dad takes me to an old, beat down building…
I’m scared, so scared
I walk in, barely keeping my composure
Each step down that white hallway brings me more sadness

We walk past many nurses and doctors, all giving a faint smile while they pass
I can only imagine what they must be thinking

One of the nurses shows me where I will stay
I walk in the room, wiping tears out from under my eyes
The nurse introduces me and the group at the round table pauses their game of Uno
These people are so normal. What are they doing here?
They introduce themselves and invite me to join their game
I sit out-still too scared
I feel the tears coming back again.
I take a deep breath to fight them, but no luck

Another nurse comes in…group therapy

What if they don’t like me?
What if I say something wrong?
What if I break out in tears suddenly or start to stutter?

We all grab a seat and sit in a circle.
We talked about what brought us here.
What else is there to say? What did they expect?
Did I really think that they would truly care?
No, who would care about a useless adolescent?
I have no voice, no opinion, no purpose.
All I was good for in my last real relationship was fooling around!

Was this God’s plan for me?!
Wasn’t I supposed to be something special?!
What good is a useless piece of creation?!
Even the grass and the dirt have purpose!

Where did you go, God?!
Are you there?!
Why did you create me and love me only to leave me?!
This is not the God I know!

Six months later, I heard a reply.

It wasn’t a big voice, or a crashing from the clouds.

It was a subtle reminder…

A simple invitation from an old friend…

A short phrase…

Becky, you are my daughter, I love you and I always have.
I carried you through the hard and I’ll do it again.
I will never leave you, that was my promise from the start.

Now I fight away the shadows
Some days easy, some not.
The evil voices in my head fade,
And I am back in my Father’s arms.

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