I don’t understand what happened. I had everything planned out. Live until i was 14, then die on my birthday. But here I am almost 15. Did I change? Or did I feel like I’d regret it? I don’t know. I still think about what would have happened.. Would people have cared? It wouldn’t have mattered if it did.. they had there chance.. To tell me what they wanted. I couldn’t figure out where it would leave me. The messed up girl who just went out of it and killed herself because she let people get to her? or the screwed up girl who just chose not to live because she believed someone else deserved to breathe? I can’t understand why people still stick around when I’m just about to lose it. They know they won’t stay for long, but they stay, thinking they can handle me. Are they trying to mess with my mind and make me feel like I mattered? Or they were just doing this because they felt sorry for me? My head is still screwed up... But i won’t let anyone know that. Why? because someone might actually “care” and try to stop me. But what will that matter. in my head I am dead anyways.. living is overrated, rather than that it is overly populated with people who use their lives for cruel stuff and have no real reason to live. I’m cruel. I tried taking my life, and wanted to watch everyone to live with guilt. But here I am, paying for my crime... I lived not because I wanted to, but because I had to... for the people with a heart. For the people who seemed to care about me. For those who needed someone to believe in. Not for me. I didn't do it for me.
March 4, 2012