I Go Back

February 25, 2012
I see the three of us
On the cold, glossy ground
The red lines of the basketball court swirl around us
They form circles around our bodies

We stare at the rope silently
In peace
As classmates surround us giggling and cheering
While others climb up the spider web net

He comes and sits back down

I see the old me trying to appear nonchalant
Holding up the façade once again
I want to yell at myself to stop
To stop pretending that I don’t care
And finally give the attention my racing heart deserves

The four of us begin chatting up a storm
Suddenly he says the words I dread to hear
The words that will repeat in my mind for weeks to come


I want to make myself look into his face
Say that I will miss him
Stop the lies and acting
If I could only tell myself that this is the only chance
That I’ll regret it later
But I don’t

I watch the scene play out the same way as I remember

Others ask him questions
They express sentiments that are hidden deep within my heart
I see myself recoil and draw back from everyone
Keeping that rope constricted around my heart
Holding out the hope that it will cut off feeling
Leaving a numbness to stop the constant heartbreak

But maybe it’s better this way

In the future who knows I could look back
Two years from now it could be worth it
I could be filled with joy that I didn’t alter the past
Now though I will just watch and wait
For the day he disappears
The moment my life moves on

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