8 months

February 27, 2012
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I remember that day 8 months ago,
it was the first time I heard your voice in years
I’ll never know what brought you over,
I’ll never know what happened.
I remember sitting on the floor changing the station because I didn’t like the song that was on

I remember you sitting on the couch across from me.
I remember you moving on the floor to sit next to me.
I remember you getting closer and closer.
I remember the conversation we had just moments before,
about the boy you liked.
I remember you leaned in to kiss me.
I remember the warmth of your lips
was the warmth sun on my face before my first kiss 7 years earlier.

we were playing in my backyard when she told me that she had never kissed anyone
I told her I hadn’t either and that’s when she whispered,
"wanna kiss?"
And like any seven year-old would reply to the simplest of questions i said
And her lips touched mine.’

I remembered you pulled away.
I remembered you grabbed my hand and whispered, ‘touch me’
and so I did
I remember putting my hand between your legs.
I remember my heart racing, just like it is now
faster than lightning on a midsummer night trying to find anything to cling to
I remember you whispering ‘harder’ which made my blood pump harder than than the pressure from the bottom of the ocean
I remember hearing your moans,
I remember they drove me crazy and that’s when it happened

You leaned in to kiss me again but then pulled back.
I remember you got up with no explanation
I remember you telling me that if anyone asked, nothing had happened
I remember the venom filled swears leave the lips I just kissed
and that’s when I felt the burning.
The burning in my tongue
The burning in my hands
The burning in my head
The burning in my heart

I felt as though you had just pushed me into the flames of hell.
The last part was the worst.
You made me walk you home.
With every step I took from my house to yours
was a battle to keep every tear I yearned to shed inside
a battle with every swear I wanted to scream

You had used me.
You came over out of lust.
You left when you were done.
You left when you realized what you were doing.

You see me every day.
Walk past as though I don’t exist.

It makes me wonder how you can do it.
How you can pretend and believe that
the night 8 months ago never happened.
How you can pretend you didn’t enjoy every second of when I touched you.
How you can believe that it didn’t affect me.

I learned that it wasn’t only you who could manage to do it,
but every other girl that needed to experiment
I told myself every time that it would be different.
That one day
They wouldn’t use me.
I’m still waiting.

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