Who I Never Wanted to Be

February 9, 2012
For the record,
This is just a mask.
Deceit in its most desperate form.
Pain thinly disguised by smiles and laughs,
And yet, deep down,
I'm screaming.

For the record,
I'm always afraid
That soon they'll find someone better
Someone who can
Be strong
Be smart
Be mature
Be something better than me.

For the record,
I've never understood why my close friends
Love me so much.
Why he fell for me
Why others put up with me.
Why they take the time to know me.

For the record,
That one phrase;
"You're ugly!"
Has yet to fully
Relinquish its grim hold on me,
Though it's been three years
Since that phrase cut me down.

For the record,
I didn't write this to get sympathy
Or to have people comfort me;
It's an outpouring of emotion,
It's thinly concealed pain brought forth.
It's hurt
And hate
And who I am
Who I never wanted to be.

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