Hungry.

January 20, 2012
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Hungry for inspiration. Thirsty for unfelt pain. Exhausted of the same message in different words. Or the same words in different order. Imagination pretends to be reality.

Write, read, erase, sigh, repeat process.

Your body aching from being so still. Your eyes scanning the room, seeking a starting point that isn't there.
Flipping through pages of an old book.
People around you apparently filled with happiness. You simply pretend to write something worth reading.

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry.
You're starving for words that fail to exist. Words that could explain what you have got to say. Words that manage to simplify the complexion of your thoughts.

You walk like another ordinary sheep in a herd of millions. All going in one direction. All following the one in front. All making the same decisions. The same mistakes. All headed to the unknown and yet so sure of it. All wasting energy pretending it's worth it. All discriminating and hating and hurting and ruining themselves just because of fear. Fear of being different. Fear of making a change. Fear of questioning society.

So stop. Turn around and go the other way. You can't complain about the problem, if you're a part of it too.

-

Coffee in the morning to warm your heart. It works marvelously, sending a signal of satisfaction through your body, overpowering the sound of your troubled thoughts, turning it into a pleasant buzzing.

You're too young to suffer. You're too young to know what pain is. Too young to think you've got everything figured out. To think you know what life is about.

-

Hungry for silence. Too weakened to block out your unwanted thoughts.

You know that people often make mistakes when basing their decisions on emotions. On how they feel. Because feelings change. The same with promises. You can feel a certain way and promise certain things, but you can't rely on them. You can't put your faith and belief in a promise based on feeling.
Humans tend to do this, don't you? And then you question the reason of your pain.

If you think instead feeling, you'll think of a way to feel better.

No matter how much you think your love is worth, it's never enough. It's never worth the risk of losing it.

There is loss in life. You can't escape from it, but only because you always feel the need to have. To have love, to have company, to have friends, to have lovers.
That's the way that humans are. That's what makes them special & that's what makes them weak.

You lay half-asleep on your bed. You sigh. You think. You analyze. You close your heart and only listen to your mind. Only to the facts. Only to the reasoning. The logic. The common sense.
Hungry (still oh so very hungry) for answers.

-

There are people in your life, you realize, whose only purpose is to take up space. They don't hurt you, but they don't mend you when you're broken. They just take up space in your life and in your heart. There's no point in that.
You don't need them. They most likely don't need you. Why keep them in your life?

There are people, you continue, who take advantage of you. They steal your happiness and give you their sorrow. Only because you let them. Only because you believe they deserve it. They don't. If they're not willing to give up their happiness for you, the way you do for them, then they aren't worth it. Aren't worth being kept in your life.

There are people, you go on, that you need. Sometimes they need you too. So you live off of each other, always afraid that the other might disappear.
These people are never constant, never permanent. Always temporary.
Sometimes they DON'T need you. There's no point in staying. In holding them back, when they'd be better off away. It's selfish if you do. It isn't even worth it if you do.


There are people, you conclude, that need you, when you don't need them. You stay because you want to go to heaven. Or because you don't know how to leave. But you'd be happier some place else. You'd be happier with someone that you need too.

When it comes to love, there's pain when loving without being loved. But there is also pain when being loved and not loving back.

There's pain in everything you care about. There's pain in what you miss. In what you lost. In what you never had.
But there's recovery.

You always think you have recovered before you actually do. To recover you need optimism, but sometimes you get so caught up in it that you make yourself believe you feel better than you actually do.

Anger isn't recovery.
Fear isn't recovery.
Regret isn't recovery.
Revenge isn't recovery.
Forgetting isn't recovery.
There is no way to forget. If you do, there really wasn't anything to recover from.

Acceptance is recovery.
Forgiveness is recovery.
Learning is recovery.
Living for yourself is recovery.
And with recovery comes freedom. Freedom to be happy. Freedom to laugh. Freedom to smile.

But only with knowledge do you succeed. You know this now. You've figured out that you must learn each time you're hurting, to avoid getting hurt again.

You know it's stupid and insane to come back to your source of pain. You know it's stupid and insane. So stop.
-

You sigh. You're empty. Vacant. Hollow.
A piece of your heart missing, impossible to recover. You've tried to fill this emptiness, but nothing seems to work. But that's your fault. You don't want to fill it. You don't want anyone to love. You don't want anyone to replace what was once there. Why? You don't miss it. You don't need it. You don't want it either. So what's the point in keeping yourself empty?

-

You miss everything. No.
You miss missing everything. You miss loving everything. You miss thinking you were complete. You miss your ignorance and naïvety.
Now, knowing there's nothing worth missing, you sigh in retrospect.

-
Hungry.
Yes, still hungry.
Always hungry.
Hungry for a real friend and not these people who pretend.
Hungry for simple happiness and not heavy fake laughs.
Hungry for strength and not this weakness pushing you down.
Hungry for motivation to succeed and not negativity from the media.
Hungry for real beauty and not the lies society screams at you.
Hungry for more. Anything.
Hungry for something permanent, not temporary.
Hungry for God.
Hungry for hope.
Hungry for comprehension.
Hungry for life.

Hungry. Ever so hungry. And yet you continue to starve yourself.





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