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how to start

i don’t know how to start
it was quiet, the first time i saw you
you didn’t speak
neither did i
and no one fell in
love at first sight
four months later
you have everything that’s mine
and i want you so bad that
i can only mouth your name
in the horribly silent air
i would do so many things
to have that part of you
that was first hers, and i could
hate her for it. but now she’s my
best friend, and yet she
threw your heart back at you
smiled as she did it
if i threw your heart
mine would go with it, every single
second that i ever caused you
pain. it’s not the surprise that hurts now
the absolute certainty that
you would be waiting, and now
just as strong, quiet realization
you are not here
you didn’t even see my face
turned toward you even as
i walked away, leaving your eyes
studying her face, what wouldn’t
i give you have you there like that
watching me, loving me, taking
each and every memory in
your careful hands and gently
drawing it down my face
she never cries



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