Behind The Wall

January 26, 2012
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It seems no matter how old I get I can’t seem to stand without guards
Past experiences all ended up with the same outcome no matter how different the situation
Looking around everyone seems to be in synch
While I’m all out of order like a bad dancer trying to salsa
Forced to build a tough facade to hide the pain and tears
Because of all the rejection and ridicule of the past, it prevents me from experiencing and enjoying my future
The wall I’ve patiently and expertly built is one of perfection
It has become my companion on what has turned into very low and lonely moments
The wall has done exactly what I have wanted,
To keep me isolated from any pain, rejection or humiliation
But that is just the problem; I have been and continue to be hidden behind my giant wall of fear
As a shy child the wall always came in handy to hide me from any attention
Now as a teenager with a voice I feel the wall closing in on me
Like a one way mirror looking out into the world
But being silenced and out of the rest of the world’s view
Why is there no way to break down this wall?
Is it even healthy to go through life hiding?
Not taking any chances on love or creativity
Am I doomed to be just another face in the crowd forever?
Am I just to accept what I thought was my friend but turned out to be my biggest failure?
Will I forever be behind this wall?
It is behind this wall that a shy insecure girl hides
A pretty girl who desires to show her curves without being ashamed
A girl who longs to accept herself
A well of unending creativity and fun that is overflowing
A Latina who is proud to be a Boricua
An Italian whose passion is her driving force
A supply of unconditional love for whoever rescues me from this confinement
Am I supposed to save myself from this dark abyss or wait for my hero?
Kicking and hitting has not even budged this wall and because of it no one can hear my screams of desperation
No one can hear or see who is behind this wall
No one knows the completely different attitude that lies here
No one knows what is really concealed behind this wall
Will they ever?

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