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Jealous

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“Ka Ka, I FINALLY got a CAR” the words were sitting there taunting me as I read the Facebook post over and over again like the words would just change if I stared hard enough. Part of me wanted to just be happy that one of my best friends had saved up enough money to afford to buy her own car. Then the other part of me wanted to just breakdown because I still had not gotten my car and it was now 6 months over the promised date of getting one. For some reason I always felt that we were in competition with each other, why? I could never tell you cause I love the girl like she’s my own flesh and blood. But we just somehow were always trying to one-up each other. Or maybe it’s just my own insecurities eating at me. When I finally come out of my trance I write back on her wall trying to sound as joyful for her as possible “YAYYY congrats what kind did you get?” I say half hoping she makes up some lie just so we can be in the same boat again, but most of me knew that was not going to happen and so when she responds with a “2000 Grand Am” my heart sinks a little more and then my blood begins to boil. I start off by blaming my mom because she said my Christmas gift was going to be a car and then months later I’m still sitting here without one. I want to be mad at her and mad at me for not making a big deal like a normal teenager instead of just brushing it to the side like it was no big deal and would happen someday. Then the rage fills up and I get anger at myself for not saving any money up and being such an irresponsible person and blowing money like it grows on trees or something.

After all the emotions I feel start to subside I realize that I might just be somewhat jealous. I will never admit this feeling to another soul, because let’s face it no one wants to admit that they are the jealous friend who doesn’t want to see her friend succeed because that’s really not the case, I just want to succeed with her. When I finally come back to being a human and start acting rational I understand that everything will happen for me, it will take more time. But being happy for others moving forward and you still are in the same place is a f***ing hard pill to sallow.





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