Cremation

When I die, because I will one day
I do not want my daughter to bury me with complacency in my casket
No matter how the embalmer attempts to puff me up with pride
there will still be a concave expression on my face
Pallbearers will struggle to lift the weight of my disappointment
that I did not leave behind more than poems whose jobs were to save the world
but instead were just saved in my Notes on my Facebook page.
Ironically there are still friends and followers I haven’t been able to rescue,
So much for the social networking.

I work more than I tour.
I dream of touring more than I work
I do homework with my daughter to get ready for my big performance
a bedtime story and a song before bed
Sometimes I wonder what scores she would give me for parenting
would she deduct points for random moments where it is obvious that I lack fulfillment

Motherhood for me isn’t a regret, it is a requirement
but as parents
we often wonder what if
often believe we cannot be all we want for our children
and still be all we need for ourselves

mothers put on makeup before dropping their little girls off
so they don’t see how long she spends beating herself up
for not getting her degree
or turning down that audition
the one she felt so good about
the one she watched launch some childless woman into stardom
like a pass
from a probowl quarterback
A probowl quarterback a father sees every Sunday
watching the game with his pride and his boy
bragging how he knew that player back in the day
but "he was just second string to me back in college"
his son’s curiosity was chiseling
this dad was stone faced when his junior asked
"how come you didn’t make it to the NFL?"
carves out a smile
half lie, half testimony
replied "I’d rather be a daddy"

There is something accomplishing about parent-teacher conferences,
field trips, and class projects
but at night after we have eaten dinner there is something missing
a certain food for the spirit
fed by applause, a cd sale or good slam score
or just knowing that all the wisdom I carry will make it across the globe
I hope
that when I die, they will cremate me with my prose
so I can finally say I touched the world





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