When you mess up

January 15, 2012
By , Henderson, NV
Do you ever feel regret?
It suffocates you, creates a hollow in you, and never leaves.
Several times in my life I have made mistakes.
Often they ended up hurting me, physically and mentally.
I always wish with my entire useless being.
To turn time around...a week...day...minute.
But sadly everything never goes to plan.
Regret is neither sadness or anger.
It is a category of emotion all to itself.
One could even say it is an action instead.
An entire ocean begins to crash down, pouring into a bowl.
However, you are the only person standing inside it.
The water crushes you and stuns you.
Then your clothes turn to armor and you sink.
Almost seeing the sun but gradually sinking to the bottom of the bowl.
It is silent and lonely there.
Even if you are surrounded by people...living things in life.
Regret makes you isolated...alone.
Then you realize even if you feel alone your embarrassment is not.
People who missed your mistake.
The ones who did everything right will see you as what could have been them.
And when you see that you once again feel hollow.
Angry enough at yourself to hit a wall.
But feeling as if moving too much will make you lose composure and cry.
Or you are depressed and crying but feel anger in the hollow of your stomach.
Yet you are too weak to do anything.
Regret is all of this.
Reality and regret are so intertwined.
Reality is a monster while regret is its teeth.
Reality is the stormy sky.
While regret is the rain that feels like slashing glass.
But only you are cut and cannot escape.
To others the glass passes through and they are only wet.
Usually humans make themselves feel better by starting a goal to undo regret.
Yet when reality kicks in no human has ever really achieved it.
To stay in the state of mind.
Frozen in place of a harsh moment in the past.
A goal to fix yourself or future mistakes usually is nothing but fantasy.
People always make mistakes.
The same ones.
Then the process of making a goal, breaking it, pain, then a new goal begins.
Those who can overcome this cycle are often well known.
Figures in history that often are called unique or famous.
To get up is hard.
To swim back up to the sunlight is difficult.
To see others look at you with...pity.
It is too much.
Many try to put their feelings into actions.
I am not one of those people.
I will carve not actions but words.
I will write...right now...in this paper...with these words...
what many cannot describe with a voice.
Humans try to run or resist admitting their true feelings in the face of regret.
I am the same.
To admit it out loud and dealing with it are completely different.
It screams at you at night.
What you could have done differently.
Maybe another time you did.
But not this life.
When children try to first explain it, adults say that this is just reality, deal with it.
But it is painful.
Then life is painful.
To run away from regret.
The thorns of sadness, the fire to anger.
You first must look into yourself and find your own sun.
to swim back up to the sunlight.
Shedding the heavy armor and ignoring the ocean.
You have to make your own sun.
not the sun you failed to reach.
This is neither another pointless goal.
This is more permanent to yourself.
It is...acceptance.
To love yourself and even all your failures in life.
All the disappointments.
All the stupid naive qualities that make you.
Are you.
Somehow mistakes are made everywhere.
Somehow humans look at others with disbelief and pity.
Somehow people cannot climb out of their bottomless oceans.
I am not those people.
I am me.
I choose my decisions and pain.
When reality blindsides you, can you find a ledge to grab before you fall?
Just look around out of yourself.
Do you see people?
Not those of pity but the ones closer.
If you reach out long enough, they'll grab you.
They will become your ladder.
Your escape from the water to your light.
And your light will greet you.
Everyone who gets up has their own light.
When you reach heartbreak...regret.
After a while you find your light.
Just look around for your ladder.
It's right there.
Do you think this could be your ladder?

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