Everlasting

December 21, 2011
 
I am What i am,
a leaf flowing in the wind,
or a stone sinking in a pond.
Quiet as I lay,
Listening to the silence of the night,
the world revolves,
around only one thing,
at the time,
Me,myself,and darkness.
I am silent,
quiet as a mouse,
but ever longing,
to be who I know i really am,
a courageous,
strong leader,
ready for anything,
and never unwanted,
or unneeded.
I have everlasting hope,
love,
and trust,
but the days wear that down,
until i gave it all away,
and is never trusting again.
never to feel the way,
that my future meant me to feel.
trust,love and hope.
True love was not but a myth,
and as i say,
it is better as that,
for it is terrible
that we have to feel the hatred of heartbreak so many times,
before we find who is right.
I am as i am,
a frightful person,
scared of people in her life,
and feared by others,
loved by some,
hated by most,
and unknown to all.
I can fight,
and win,
if i try,
but no matter how hard i try to try,
it never works,
for i am scared of my own shadow,
as some would say.
The terrible truth of being forlorn,
a lonely,miserable person,
an unappreciated child,
that was only friends with the people that wanted to leave,
and become an outcast,
such as herself.
As beauty met the beast,
but i am the beast,
and my beauty will never come.
As Cinderella met prince charming,
but the prince was really,
a self-centered soul,
that only cares for himself,
and what he desires,
in his own selfish mind.
the broken pieces of my heart are spread,
and cannot be found,
in the wooded forest,
or the watery plain,
called the sea.
as i am waiting,
I cry,
knowing i made the wrong choices,
and not knowing how to fix them,
when they cannot fix themselves.
I wonder,
about how the bird can sing,
even when times are tough.
i wonder
if death is painful,
or if it is a harsh passing,
such as the harsh,
painfulness of the world.
I live in hell,
and anywhere else,
would be heaven.
I need something,
but that something remains unknown,
but the most painful thing by far,
is that of self inflicted misery,
knowing that you caused it,
and that you were the one who could have stopped it.
And you were the one,
who was hurt as well,
and the one,who had to watch it happen.
being lost inside yourself,
and being lost,
in reality.
truthfulness unknown,
but none of us get what we deserve in life.
there is no so called,
"Best friend"
they are but,
a truth ridden myth
chosen to make
young children happy.
but i am no young child.
us who suffer,
always suffer,
those who are ugly,
stay ugly.
there is,
no happy ending.
there is only death.
and for those,
unfortunate few,
who die a painful death,
i solute you.
for you are the bravest of all.
and for those out there like me,
find someone,
for whom is a close as a
:best friend"
as you can get,
because,
in the long run,
they are who you really,
really need.
I want to speak out,
i want to be heard,
i need to have,
a moment to shine.
As we sit,
I think,
about what i have done,
that,
i probably should not,
have ever,
done.
even if it was one time,
I'm still sinned with it.
still haunted by
the pure
and dreadful horror of
the sins of my past.
now I know that i may never
go to heaven,
for if I do
it will not be for anything good,
for in my life,
ive done
no good.
nothing worth mentioning,
nothing worth am award.
and adding onto my long list,
or utter failure,
i make my friends
sad,
angry,
just by telling them the truth.
Just by me passing on the message,
that should make them happy
and just for telling them,
that their best friend is happy!
Honestly!
I don’t understand why they have to react
like i have done something wrong!
Why!
Do I really deserve this!
Yes,
I believe I do.
Im not worthy of goodness.
So,
if you believe that i deserve happiness,
then come and tell me,
no,
don't tell me,
show me,
show me that you love me,
show me that I'm amazing,
show me that I'm the best,
because I'm not,
as far as i believe.
but i still smile,
throught the tears,
i still laugh,
between the sobs,
and i still live,
in with all the death.
I'm a zombie,
dead but alive.
I'm still here,
weather you like it or not,
ill always be here,
ill never give up,
and nobody,
no one,
can tell me otherwize.
no,
ill always be here,
because I'm me,
but even when I'm mad,
or sad
or even happy,
tell me everything,
i like to know,
i like to understand.
i cant stand people,
yet,
i watch from a distance.
while nobody cares,
if I'm here,
or there,
or,
anywhere really.
I'm just a dot in the picture.
Pain,
Its all i can feel,
and screams,
all I can hear.
fear,
yes
i can smell it
and hope,
there is not a trace,
that is known.
nothing
nothing is the same
everything changes,
even myself.
I can,
into I can’t.
the teror of the young
and the hope of nobody
and the terrible
gruesome hope of the hell that I live with,
and then the hope
is gone...


Now,it is everlasting,
and yet this poem is never going to have an ending,
and is never going to be completely over,
so for now,
I bid you, adieu.





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