That Horrible Night

January 11, 2012
I was only nine, boy do I remember those times
I heard my mom scream, I worried only about me
For I could only think about sleep
I saw the flashes of the police cars
I thought I really did it this time
But I went to sleep, thinking it was alright
My sister yelled at us, telling us to get up
At the hospital that night, what a long night
As we waited on dad, all me and my sisters could do was think what was wrong
Later that night I saw my sister for the last time alive
She just laid there lifeless as we gathered around
I didn’t know what to do so I did what I was told
She was only seven-teen, but I only thought of me
I thought why god, why it’s not her time
As I saw her for the last time
Mom keeps saying she’s in a better place now
But that seems to be what I remember from that horrible night

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billgamesh11 said...
Jan. 13, 2012 at 11:57 am
I'm so sorry for your loss :( I don't know what I'd do without my sister :( But it's good that you've written about it :) However, your writing needs a little work. I was very confused with the whole thing, where was he sleeping, what did he think he really did this time? And also the "for" in "for I could only think about sleep" can be changed to "as", so it would be "I only worried about me/As I could only think about sleep". Lastly, you need to place your commas better. I know you might have ... (more »)
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