The Beginning
Once upon a time,
I believed I was on top
Of the world.
Elementary was bomb.
The best yet.

Then junior high hit.
The change too much
To bear.
My mom working nights
At the smoke-filled casino.

But as I look back,
The only thing I had
Was my 2 best friends.
My best friend best friend,
The one you see me at school with.

And also my dog,
My life was pretty stable then,
A flat road, the beginning of a roller coaster.
And when I lost my best friend,
I took the first hill down.

The First Hill

Falling

Fast


Feels




Like





Forever.
No food, a glass of
Chocolate milk
For three days.
Tear ducts ran dry,
Perpetual sorrow on my face.







A Flat Road Again At the Bottom

Six months,
That’s how long I stayed
At the bottom.
It got worse,
But how much lower can I get
Then bottom?

I withdrew from friends
No one to confide.
My best friend at school
Became my best friend of the past.
Things I loved to do, like playing the saxophone
Became a burden.

I cut as well,
Scars
On my arms
Legs
Wrists.
I avoid swimming because of those.

But then out of nowhere,
A friend arose
She went through
What I went through then
Could this possibly be
A happy end?

Coming up (A Little)

For a few weeks
It was great.
Third chair in Honor Band
Wind Ensemble here I come. But then,



I




Came






Back








Down.






Down Again

This time was bad
Almost as bad as the first
Only this time,
No death to blame.
Life was.

Parents fighting
My sister’s insults
Friends gone
School terrible
My section in band as well.

Once again
I let it build up inside
Letting it eat up inside
But this time
I tried to let it out.

That didn’t go so well
As I tried to get better
I failed
Thought of suicide
Clouded my mind almost everyday

No one really listened
I thought I was going crazy
My mom
Tried to understand
Failed

My friends
Tried to give support
Failed
Now a little thing sets me off
Even a joke

A person I called a friend
Told me one day,
“You have no soul.”
They didn’t know
They were breaking it.



Another time I say
I’m stupid to myself
But my friend agrees
Once again I tried
Failed.

I told my mom
I needed to see a psychologist
She called as soon as she could
I got in for next Saturday
Things may be going up…



Possibly Going Up

I was excited
I was going to get help
No more being alone
But being abandoned
Brings anyone back down


Back Down

Worthless
That’s what I feel like
When your friends
Family and psychologist
Abandon you

I try to go back up
Thoughts come
I want them to go away
I need help
But when will I get it?

Help

It is Wednesday
Today was my first appointment
With the psychologist
Questions, questions, some good some bad
I tried to answer with honesty


My mom was in the room
So when the question of
If I caused myself any pain to deal with depression
I told her no
I only thought of suicide

This shocked her
My mom as well
Anyone who claims to be close with me
My diagnosis
Clinical Depression and Anxiety

My psychologist told my mom
For me to get an appointment to a psychiatrist
“I think she needs antidepressants.”
My mom called fifteen minutes later
I’m scheduled for early June.


Coming Up

Again
I’m coming up
I only told my friend Bri
Of what I have
No one else.

I got by a few days
My mind too preoccupied
Band concert, solos
School work
I didn’t have time to be depressed

Back Down

I was good until today
Seeing a friend of mine reject another
Kills me and her at the same time
This person has done the same to me last year
When their best friend started to talk to them again

When finally
I snapped
I told that person everything that was wrong with me
My depression, their remarks
They didn’t know how to respond

The Bottom

A friend of mine’s house got broken into
Stuff of hers was stolen
At lunch she acted depressed
But only for like fifteen minutes
Everyone was worried

I tried to be sympathetic
I knew what depression is after all
But all of my friends were so worried about her
“Are you ok”s filled the air
Where were these friends for the past six months?

That night
I cut again
After three weeks
I thought I was doing better
Guess not.

Going Up

I’m going up.
Weekly sessions with a psychologist,
And actual friends,
Help me.
I don’t think of suicide anymore.

That friend from before,
Told me sorry.
That he didn’t mean to hurt me.
At that time,
I felt happy.

Yearbooks were given out today.
I felt great considering I have a lot of people signing it.
But as I look as mine and others
The same people wrote less in mine
Than the others.

A few of my friends didn’t.
One wrote way more in mine than hers.
But I felt sad for her.
She likes him and he only put
A few words.

But rereading those notes,
Gives me:
Happiness. Courage to go on.
Love.
I believe I’m truly going up.

On Top

After three years,
I am now happy.
No more depression
Clouding my mood.
I am alive.

I made it.
Although my parents
Are getting a divorce
My dad still drinks
I am getting better.

I no longer think
Of how to kill myself.
I only dream of the future
Now, I am glad
I stopped from killing myself.

Life is like a roller coaster.
It’s filled with ups and downs.
I’ve been down for awhile,
But I plan
To keep going up.