Will my words be enough?

December 14, 2011
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I will lie to them
I will let them believe i am ok
while my tears remain unseen
on the bed
I sob at night
I hurt people when i try to help
Something is wrong with me
I shan't help again for fear of it returning again
Nay, this is the day that I shall resign to helping someone
unless I know I can help
I am Dangerous
I hurt when trying not to
Should I just leave this world?
Perhaps they will not know I was ever there...
Or they always have and will cry?
What can i say?
Many don't know of my existence
So should i disappear?
Will the people that know care?
Somehow I don't think of these things
just of one thing i think about that made me write this
I hurt two friends....
Will they forgive me?
Are we still going to be friends?
So many questions
None of the answers i do know...
I sigh
will the pain end?
will i make amends?
I am too afraid...
that the only reply to my apology
is hatred
will they think of me when they return?
They might, and it might be bad
Nothing good
I try to make the guilt quiet by watching
things, videos
It works for a while
Then guilt sneaks up from nowhere and robs me
of that tiny happiness i wanted before
I was sent back down
Nothing to say?
Nothing to do?
Just get a fucking clue!
Don't lie in bed and weep
apologize, be meek
Try to apologize
I need help
I don't want my weakness to stop me
from trying to make amends
i am too emotional
i will work on this
with a therapist
And i will find the courage
to apologize correctly
Maybe they might accept it?
Too late?
Too early?
I am scared to press send
I don't press it for the feeling in my gut
tells not to

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