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The Talons of Freedom

What happens when my brick rubber bands break-
When that bing-bong-boing quits chanting my name?

When sticky wings elude their refusal
and the Hingeson those closed doors talk?

Now, the last page isn't an ending.
Instead, paper relies on sole bending.

Choose quick! The lost rebellion has grown flames.
Relinquish insecurities;love blame.

Chance is a bitter slay of the right soul
or precious drops of glitter-fate of gold

Waves may caress a desperate, lonely bay
but are the knives and shrills worth the strain?



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Mimi15 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Your rhyming was done perfectly. The third stanza is uber splendid. You are such a great writer. Please continue. Have a nice day :)
 
leafyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 6, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Interesting poem, there are some parts I really love, and others that I'm not so big a fan of, so I'll start with the latter. First (as ReadWriteBreathe mentioned) in the 4th line, it should be "hinges on" instead of "Hingeson." Also, there needs to be a space are the semicolon in the 8th line. As for the 3rd stanza, I didn't really like it. For me at least, it seemed to awkwardly stick out from the rest of the poem. And did you mean "soul bending" instead? Again, it might just be me, but that p... (more »)
 
MoraleAsh replied...
Jan. 6, 2012 at 9:41 pm
"The sole bending" part goes with the previous line before it. Instead of being happy with your life, you rely on the little kinks that aren't perfect and focus on those instead. This leads to the rest of the poem-the temptation to cheat and the consequences that come with it. Does that make a little more sense?
 
leafyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 7, 2012 at 9:27 am
Yes, thank you :)
 
applesauceHater said...
Jan. 3, 2012 at 5:17 pm
ive never added any piece to my favorates yet, but urs was so iresistable, the words kept ringing in my ear, ive read it many times, and added it as my favorates
 
MoraleAsh replied...
Jan. 3, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Thank you so much! It means a lot!
 
applesauceHater said...
Jan. 3, 2012 at 5:15 pm
this is amasing. I love it!its very beautiful in a way, ur words are wonderful, oh master of words
 
ReadWriteBreathe said...
Dec. 28, 2011 at 10:21 pm
You're vocabulary is really good. I love how it isn't just straight forward but you sort of have to think. in the second stanza is it suppose to be "hinges on those closed doors talk" Really great job
 
MoraleAsh replied...
Dec. 28, 2011 at 10:27 pm
yeahh, typo oops. and thanks!
 
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