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Fritos

That haunting sapphire crescent ushers me,
caresses my name with its glittery appearance
Holding the key and lock to my pitiful demise.
The magnetic field radiating that temptess repulses my mind!-
feel the gurgles tumbling in my middle!-
yet, something draws me towards the sin.
The invasion of my brick wall excites me!,
unties the knots that know better
My heart and willpower get lost somewhere between those two leaps..
and I bite down hard.



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beautifulspirit This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 21, 2012 at 8:05 am:
I love the first six lines---very beautiful. It's a funny poem. I chose this one, because of the title so I was expecting something totally different like an ode to fritos, the greatest chips of all time. But I was pleasantly surprised. The poem is still funny though.
 
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Zinaidia said...
Jan. 7, 2012 at 5:32 pm:
Wow, very enticing and beautiful. Kind of funny too. great job!
 
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Katsa13 said...
Dec. 30, 2011 at 12:49 am:
This is great. If you think about it, it really shows how most people are in general, because almost everyone wants what they're told they can't have. You have a great style of writing. Keep it up :)
 
leafyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 3, 2012 at 11:52 am :
Good poem, I liked the hyperbole that it was centered around :). What made you choose 'sapphire' as a descriptor? I mean, fritos aren't blue, or that hard...also, after the exclamation marks, you do not need a hyphen or a comma, and in the second to last line, I would suggest sticking a comma in there instead of two periods. Other than that, it's pretty good :)
 
MoraleAsh replied...
Jan. 3, 2012 at 12:39 pm :
I referred to sapphire crescent as the bowl they were placed in. It was just to create another bit of imagery. I understand where you're coming from with the excessive punctuation; I just like to think of it as expressing more emotion. I think both work better than either one could have. But that's just my o-pinion :)
 
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ReadWriteBreathe said...
Dec. 28, 2011 at 10:17 pm:
I love this because I use to run track and I know that feeling exactly. I hated going so long without a mountain dew :( Great description and I like the over-exaggeration. Good job
 
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